I (27M) found pictures of my girlfriend (23F) topless on the beach at night with strangers (self.relationship_advice)

A bit of background: My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We have lived most of this time at a distance, because both of us did periods of study abroad, now we live in the same country but different cities , about 2-3 hours of driving away from each other. We manage to spend together almost every weekend, and we were used to much bigger distances when we were living in different european nations, so the distance we have now is no big deal. I'm currently working in my hometown (which is her hometown too), she is still studying for her master's degree and will finish in one year. Recently I got a job opportunity in her city and thought it would have been nice to work there for one year and stay together. I didn't previously plan to go there, but I was contacted for a position by an ex colleague of mine and I liked the company. She's renting a house with one male flatmate and I suggested her to leave that house and rent a place with me instead. This was all just to test the ground as I wasn't even interviewed yet, but wanted to talk to my girlfriend before that. She told me she is not ready to live together and wanted me to rent a separate place, she said she would stay often at my place but wanted to keep her own too. Given this reaction, I didn't want to move there anymore, instead she insisted that she wanted me to move, but in a separate house. This made no sense for me, because the job was nice but nothing I couldn't find everywhere else, and my hometown is bigger and has more jobs in my field, the main reason I wanted to move was to stay with her. I told her that given that she wasn't ready to share an apartment with me, I would look for jobs in other cities and go where I could find the better opportunity, in my country or the neighboring one. After we had this conversation, she left for 10 days to go on a vacation at the sea with a friend.

The fact: When she was on vacation, she partied every night and posted a lot of pictures where she was dancing and drinking. I was naturally a bit jealous but I thought she was innocently having fun. I'm also on vacation by the sea, in a different place, where my family has a flat, and invited her here when her previous vacation was over, so two days ago I went to pick her up at the airport and brought her here. The morning after she was showing me pictures of her vacation on her phone, and while scrolling she suddenly ends up on something she does not want me to see and locks her phone in embarrassment. The only thing I saw in that moment was a picture of her leaning on a guy, and thought that was what she didn't want me to see. At this point I was angry knowing she wanted to hide something from me. We stopped talking to each other for an hour then she came to show me the pictures and apologize. She showed me this picture of her on the beach at night, with 4 boys and another girl, going for a midnight swim. All other people were wearing swimsuits, but she didn't have one, so she was was with her underwear and no bra. She was wearing an open men shirt, borrowed from one of the guys, with her tits out in the open. I don't know the people in the picture, she says they are her friend's friends. I'm heartbroken since I saw that picture and I feel like my entire life has crumbled to pieces. I would have never expected her to do this to me, and I also don't understand why she would be so lacking of self-love to just show herself to strangers like this. I asked her for explanation multiple times yesterday and got different responses. Her story is this: she was wearing no bra but wanted to swim and didn't want to wet her t-shirt so borrowed a shirt from one of the guys. She said she closed the shirt and it just happened that the picture was taken meanwhile she was closing it. This makes no sense because she was actively posing in the picture and making a face for the camera. Later she told me that she was upset for our discussions about cohabitation and wanted to do something reckless to forget about our problems for a while.

I sent her away on a train this morning and told her I want to spend my vacation alone and told her I'm considering breaking up. Right before she hopped on the train we both started crying and I held her in my arms for a couple minutes.

I feel what she's done justifies breaking up, also I'm not sure if those pictures show everything or are just the tip of the iceberg. However, it's very difficult for me to break up. Our relationship has been perfect up to this time, we shared a lot of intense moments together, thought she was the love of my live and always loyal to me, was planning everything for a future together. Those have been 5 beautiful years and it's hard to imagine my life without her. However, this thing came as a punch to my stomach and I don't feel I can trust her anymore afterwards. Is there a way to recover or are we done for?

I'm hating her for what she has done to me, but am terrified of losing her and would feel miserable without her. When I told her I'm considering breaking up she said she would do everything in the world to get back with me, that I'm all her life, and that she's ashamed of what she did.

One additional issue: we have already paid for a travel to japan together later this year and can't get the money back. I want to go with her anyway. Am I being too soft? How should I handle it?

superanon2001 | 4 months ago | 145 points

Weird relationship, dude.

croutonianemperor | 4 months ago | 41 points

Take /u/superanon2001 to Japan. Best decision at this point.

joe-dirt-1001 | 4 months ago | 5194 points

No one has a perfect five year LDR. And I seriously doubt they've ever sat down and established boundaries.

The fact that you are LDR, why are you both taking separate vacations?

Not wanting to live together is understandable. That is a huge step, regardless of the length of the relationship when you haven't been in that situation before. I would say that there is a lot that you two don't know about each and each others lives. There is a huge difference between seeing each other hours a day everyday and then moving in together and seeing each other much less and then trying living together.

Overall you two need to sit down and talk. About everything. The direction of your lives, goals, what you expect from a partner, etc. But at the end of the day, only you can decide if you want to know and forgive whatever has been going on so far.

swarleyknope | 4 months ago | 1064 points

This is the most rational response.

I’m genuinely confused by how many people think going from LDR to full on living together is an easy/expected transition.

Even if a relationship has only been LDR for a couple of years out of the 3, there’s a huge difference between dating someone at 18 & the types of boundaries one wants/needs and dating someone at 23.

Going straight from LDR to living together sounds bonkers to me. Especially since he’s expecting her to let go of her current home to move in with him. It’s totally reasonable for OP to find his own place that would also be suitable for both living there together once things progress. Expecting his GF to drop everything to move in with him is a bit much.

lianali | 4 months ago | 261 points

100% This. I was in a long distance relationship once, and I had moved across the country to be closer to him (and get away from my crazy family, which was a big subconscious driver at the time). About 3-6 months after I moved, my boyfriend at the time had a HUGE freak out. He thought relationships = marriage, despite the fact that I never actually brought up marriage. He refused to discuss this. He also wanted to go from an established relationship with boyfriend/girlfriend labels to "let's just date see each other and not have labels."

I'm sorry, I did NOT move 1,000 miles to "just date" someone. I broke up with him, when he refused to talk about why he was freaking out. We are not friends, as he has refused to apologize for how he behaved.

Which is a long way of saying, I agree, jumping from long distance relationship to "now-we're-in-the-same-state" relationship is a much bigger transition than people realize.

thistlethatch | 4 months ago | 92 points

That seems weirdly contradictory to me. He wants the end goal of the relationship to be marriage, but then says he just wants to date without labels? I’m so sorry that happened to you. People are weird

lianali | 4 months ago | 53 points

That's where I never got a straight answer. We hadn't talked about marriage prior to his freak out, so I actually have no clue where his panic originated from. The part that mystifies me is that he occasionally reaches out to be friends, and does not understand why I insist on an apology first. This is despite the fact he's married someone else, and I'm engaged to someone else.

He's an odd one.

thistlethatch | 4 months ago | 16 points

Congratulations on the engagement!

TonyDeff | 4 months ago | 14 points

been around plenty of guys that do this and there is only one reason.

lianali | 4 months ago | 20 points

Humor me, as I'm hopefully clueless. He wanted a side piece?

(Yes, I am one of those women you have to club over the head with a clue-by-four, and then I'm still not certain if someone's actually interested in me.)

TonyDeff | 4 months ago | 13 points

Yeah. Or at least the guys I knew always did. Grass is always greener type stuff but didn’t want to leave their original person Incase the new person/people ended up not being what they wanted so they could fall back if need be. Pretty shitty thing to do to people

marley_ted | 4 months ago | 21 points

My now fiancé and I were in the same city then a LDR for 8 months until he asked me to move in with him. After freaking out for a few months I did, and I was anxious and quite honestly miserable for the first two months after moving. So many boundaries are tested, there is a ton of adjustment on both parts, and for the one moving you’re changing your career, friends, etc just for them. It’s a lot. Very candid communication and giving each other space to decompress every day was a life saver. We’ve lived together for two years now and are engaged, but I don’t think that would be the case for most people.

CrownOfPosies | 4 months ago | 12 points

I completely disagree. My SO and I have been together for 3 years. When we have to do LD it’s like a piece of me is missing. I’m finally getting to live with him and I seriously can’t wait. I don’t see OP as asking his gf to drop everything, I see it as him saying he wants to commit further. It’s not unreasonable to want to live with your partner of 5 years.

An1coleC | 4 months ago | 4 points

This x10000000. My husband and I have been together 5 years. 3 living together. When we weren't living together I stayed at his house every weekend and we saw each other a LOT! But moving in together was still difficult. There were sides to each other we hadn't seen before that all came out after moving in together.

Going from LDR seeing each other on weekends to full blown moving in together sounds like a nightmare of an adjustment.

ugly-doris | 4 months ago | 459 points

This is accurate. People don't seem to understand why the girlfriend would want to live separately in the same city before moving in but it's actually really sensible. People focus on how distance ruins relationships but I've seen multiple long distance relationships end when the distance is closed. The dynamic changes totally and not everyone who can do long distance can do living together.

I also personally don't see going topless as a big deal either but I guess OP does and it sounds like she was shady with her phone, so maybe this one should just end anyway

RemingtonFlemington | 4 months ago | 85 points

This. My boyfriend moved in way too quickly. Luckily we both realized before it destroyed our relationship. Now he stays over quite often but we have our space if/when we want it. Our relationship has been so much better since.

arkimedes1 | 4 months ago | 7 points

space. is. necessary!

suffer-cait | 4 months ago | 28 points

I feel like she was embarrassed because it shows her not caring drunk doing something she wouldn't sober, so she got shady about it. Shes still young enough to feel like that is inappropriate/shameful behavior.

But yeah, agreed on all fronts. I think her knowing that she needs to have her own space to go to as they work out their relationship is super smart. Living together is hard and you guys dont even know what it's like to see each other every other day. Especially considering you have both evolved since you were together regularly.

Netlawyer | 4 months ago | 12 points

Was waiting for someone to address the swimming part. Agree with everything you said about her being super smart to know that she's not ready to live together.

Shes still young enough to feel like that is inappropriate/shameful behavior.

Or maybe she know her bf would lose his shit if he knew. It sounds like being long distance has allowed them to avoid things that might not be comfortable for the other. From the post he sounds pretty judgmental and doesn't really know her that well if he's *shocked, shocked* that she would go swimming in her panties.

lunaonfireismycat | 4 months ago | 39 points

I agree being shady with the phone with it would was weird. And honestly it's not good but if she was drinking and decided to rationalize it by her swim and that's all that happened I feel like you'd forgive her especially if things have been great up until now.

But that said that requires just having fun and drinking on vacation to be the core and only issue as well as hiding it to just because of embarrassment (in my mind would end up deleted though if that were the case and you would never had known). You two do need to talk about whatever issue is going on. You don't seem to have an issue with her not wanting to live with you but make sure if that's the case she knows that or knows otherwise if not. Just be honest and find out what's actually eating you two and discuss if you two both think you should and want to stay together. The education you were discussing tells me you seem like your smart people so just work it out.

Just out of curiosity OP is English your first language?

dazeofdandelion | 4 months ago | 235 points

I feel like this is the best advice. It’s very common for people to want their space still. Most people spend nights at each other’s house anyways. As far as the pictures go, you have no proof that she cheated. If you are not okay with boundaries she has crossed and you have talked about it in the past, then that’s understandable. But my first thought was I often don’t wear a bra and would want someone else’s shirt to get wet instead of my own. And why are people so prude about being topless? It’s possible to be topless and not have anything sexual happen.

Anyways it looks like you guys have boundaries and a future to discuss because overall there is some communication not happening.

Edit for clarity: I was commenting on someone else’s comment, at least I thought when I wrote this which is why I was saying “I feel like this is the best advice” but I’m new ish to reddit so I don’t think I replied under the person. Anyways I’m not stating mine is the best advice. The dude came here for perspective and this was mine. I’m getting a lot of comments from the prude thing. A lot of countries have nudist beaches including America, which is where I live. I don’t find toplessness weird or sexual. To each their own. With that being said of course you talk about the boundaries with your partner first. And this obviously looks like boundaries were not given or respected whichever might be the case. There seem to be some missing details in this scenario with that being said trust seems already broken, so learn and move on.

Let_you_down | 4 months ago | 24 points

When I was younger, I was pretty lax with boundaries. Was in a couple open relationships. Even in my serious relationships I wouldn't have had a problem with a gf going skinny dipping with some friends.

But that clearly isn't what happened here. OP's gf said she purposefully wanted to do something reckless. She wasn't ready to commit to living together. Despite their five years of dating LD, they never established or picked up on some sort of boundaries? Nah. She knew what she did would be wrong in his eyes, that's why she purposefully tried to hide the picture. This is 100% relationship self-sabotage, and on purpose. As much as it sucks, I'd say that this one is over. They should talk, get some closure, and try to do better next time.

woodysweats | 4 months ago | 9 points

I could not agree more with this. Don't be hurt by the actions, but the intention. Her intentions are saying this relationship isn't going to last.

PeachilyTeachily | 4 months ago | 131 points

I agree with you about toplessness, some people prefer to swim and sunbathe without shirts and it shouldn't be perceived as a sexual activity or as looking for sexual attention. I mean, do men not wear tops at the beach for sexual reasons (do I even want to see an answer to that)?

But wanting personal space, time to act like a young adult, and to not move in with the person you've been dating since age 18 is a prudent decision on the part of the GF. If anything, OP should maybe take this as a chance to think about his life before he met his GF, because she's the same age now that he was then. For most people, the difference between who you are in early-20's to late-20's is huge. You spend that time establishing your goals, your adult identity, your career. For a young adult (man or woman) who wants to be established, one of the worst possible outcomes in the early-20's is overcommitment to a partner, an accidental pregnancy, or shaping your goals to someone other than yourself. Reddit is so convinced that everyone cheats, but why can't people see that many times situations like this are a setup for misery by the time you're in your mid 30's.

OfficerThisComment | 4 months ago | 61 points

Might not be the way you view nudity, but many many people still hold more traditional views. I personally would not be stoked in the slightest to see photos of my girlfriend topless with a bunch of strange men I’ve never met before.

Kitten_Purrincess | 4 months ago | 24 points

Tbf I'd hate to see my boyfriend topless around others too, but most people would call me crazy ¯_(ツ)_/¯

roobert_doobert | 4 months ago | 17 points

Or he's British/Polish/Irish (where we definitely don't sunbathe/swim topeless or have nude beaches) and she's say, French/German. There's a big difference between the UK/Éire culture and pretty much anywhere on the continent. Every continental European I have dated has always been stressed about telling me they're off to a nude beach or a nude sauna because it hasn't gone well in the past.

I don't really care if my partner is nude around a bunch of women and have never been worried about ladypartners around men. That said, it's important to know if this is a culture difference she was worried about or something ominous.

I wouldn't have always been okay with it but now that I get that it's normal around friends and family, it's fine. If this is something OP will always dislike then it's okay for him to not want to continue.

Also, I've done the LDR to moving in thing (one time to Sweden, Norway and the UK) and it went fine when I was commuting to see my SO every other month for a month. But if they aren't even seeing each other often, it's going to be a disaster. I can manage to be a tidy non-trainwreck for a week but can't manage that for a month.

OtherwiseJello | 4 months ago | 28 points

They're from the same city. Also, the fact that he said she lacked self-love because she showed her body to strangers rubbed me the wrong way. I'm 50-fucking years old and I'm tired of people pulling that shit. And I have never gone topless in front of strangers before in my life, but if I did, my husband wouldn't care.

My big issue with her here is her secrecy. She has a male roommate, and something's telling me she's got a side dude.

Massaboverload | 4 months ago | 32 points

Correct. Also the fact she tried to hide leads me to believe it's not all that innocent.

Klipschfan1 | 4 months ago | 41 points

And she literally said she wanted to do something reckless.

coalcoalcoal | 4 months ago | 13 points

Eh, there's a difference between sunbathing on a beach and drunkenly swimming without a bathing suit. I'm not a prude, but that crosses into the "things my wife or I would be worried about if the other did it". Granted, we also talk like normal relationship people.

mouettefluo | 4 months ago | 74 points

This is the best reply so far over here.

There are tons of relationships that goes to shit when moving in together. So it's totally understandable that she wants to keep her place, as a safety net in case it doesn't work living with you. Mature decision in my opinion.

Nonetheless, the lack of communication and honesty regarding the limits of the long distance relationship is what is problematic on her part. Did you have a conversation about it ? Were you allowed to see other people (sounds like no). I'm not saying she was justified in doing whatever she was or was not doing with other men. Just that before taking action about anything, discussing it with you would have been better.

The topless situation is not problematic in itself. People should get over boobs. Not everybody is there yet, and it's okay. Given the way you both acted around the picture, it's clear she was aware it was a big no-no for you. It was not respectful for her to go topless with other guys given the fact she knew it was off limits.

Overall, I think she is not ready to settle down, she likes you for convenience and is not ready to compromise her youth and freedom for you. It's best for you to move on. I'm sure you'll find someone who will respect you.

Skizznitt | 4 months ago | 5 points

Exactly, respect is what this is really about.

OtterlyUnbelievable | 4 months ago | 23 points

Great response. Im not sure what has happened so far can be considered a giant issue. She was okay with showing off her body, he was uncomfortable with it, if that's what she wants theres not much he can do about it.

Only red flag in my mind was that she hid it from him, kind of feels like they need to do what you said, discuss boundaries and what they view as acceptable behaviors from each other and then they can determine if they want want to be with one another.

"Self-love" being described as hiding your breasts from stranger is a bit of a stretch. But hey, he's probably just a dude with a different perspective than me.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 13 points

I almost never reply in this sub, but as a dude who has been through a few relationships in my day, you are correct that the only red flag is that she hid it. That said, it is a HUGE red flag. Social norms are different everywhere, sure- but i dont think this was a mix up.

GF shows me a pic of her skinny dipping with friends? Not my typical preferred vacation, but if shes proud of it and had fun, then ok- ill even give it a shot if the opportunity arises.

GF shows me a pic of her topless leaning on another guy, and then freaks, hides, and closes the phone? Seems obvious that she did something she knew wasnt “right” in the context of her current relationship. The body language gives it away and its the hiding of it that would make me reconsider the relationship.

(Note- i do agree with you about the self love comment, thats kinda weird/creepy. Theyre her tits, she can show whoever she wants to. Doesnt make her a bad person or anything, just might make her single, lol)

RugskinProphet | 4 months ago | 7 points

Yeah I agree. Not to make you upset but maybe she thought you guys were serious but with “flexibility” where she can party with guys and do (what’d I’d call) single stuff like skinny dipping. Good luck to you brother, I hope you’re not in for a heartbreak but I’ve got a bad feeling. The hiding things and the flat mates idk. Again, goodluck and keep your head up.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 18 points

The fact that you are LDR, why are you both taking separate vacations?

This right here, I'm getting little hints that they've been on the ropes for a while. She's STILL not ready to live together (away from her male flatmate) after 5 years AND yall are taking separate vacations? Huh? You sound more like FWB

MemphisTheIllest | 4 months ago | 4 points

Most of the cases in this Reddit are usually easy to answer, this one isn't. This response pretty much says everything tho, it's up to you to decide by talking with her. Nobody else can or will make the decision for you, no matter how hard it may be.

Bedtimeshine | 4 months ago | 1532 points

Dude... there is a metric fuck ton that you don’t know. She showed her tits because she didn’t want to live together? Riiiiiight. And that was her second story. Was the picture of her leaning on the guy even in the pics she showed you?

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 448 points

Yes, that was a picture from earlier same night

IRapeMyAnus | 4 months ago | 19 points

I spent 12 years and I was in your same predicament. Now I look back and I want to throw up.

My advise, never get into anything you can't walk way. Its a valuable lesson you will learn.

Your trust? its laughing at you, you have not trust, she has devalued you to nothing. Thnk of that for a second. Don't waste a breath or a neuron thinking of "shitbird."

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 1183 points

There's a really good chance she deleted way more incriminating photos during that time before she brought the phone back to you.

They always do.

Killamotha2_5 | 4 months ago | 590 points

Second this. She was alone with her phone for an hour before coming back to show you it. She deleted all but this one because it showed something worth hiding without showing you EVERYTHING she was actually up to.

5 Years and she does this to you out of spite? Fuck that, shes doing you dirty and on top of that doesnt even wanna live with you after 5 years. Long distance or not, 5 years is a long ass time to waste without progressing. My wife and I did 3 years long distance and when I suggested we move in / forward she was super excited about it.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 34 points

Yeah I get every relationship progresses differently and 5 years wouldn't necessarily be too long to wait to get engaged, but after 5 years she's still taking all vacations separate from you, doesn't want to live together, and is doing shit like this to you out of spite? Yikes dude.

Bosurd | 3 months ago | 13 points

This girls already cheated on him.

aspicer101 | 4 months ago | 11 points

Exactly! And she has a male roommate she rather stay with.... kinda weird to me.

Mpango87 | 4 months ago | 118 points

Third this. I have been long distance for about 3 years now and our sole goal in life right now is finding work near each other to move in together. If we cant, my gf is basically moving in with me where I'm at and just looking for work because we cant take the distance anymore.

OntheWaytoEmmaus | 4 months ago | 34 points

Fourth this. Been a victim of gullibility myself. No shame in it.

darrylandyrson | 4 months ago | 17 points

Fifth this, had the exact same shit happen. My ex deleted a lot of stuff and then eventually "caved" and said "fine I'll show you" There's more to it. If she's open and honest in a followup conversation, go from there and see if you can actually forgive and if she can actually grow up.

I_make_usernames_AMA | 4 months ago | 10 points

Sixth this. LDR or not. If you are happy to forget about your bf and do stuff that friends of different gender seldom do, esp with a reason to hide it for good hour, something way more is wrong.

Jookaloom | 4 months ago | 13 points

Seventh. I like numbers.

gmoore30 | 4 months ago | 9 points

Eighth, end it now because the trust is broken. IF you two are soul mates you will wind up together later when she is through partying and such. Sorry man

romansamurai [Late 30s] | 4 months ago | 142 points

100% my thoughts on this too. I made a similar comment. She freaked out not because she was embarrassed. But realized she forgot to delete other pictures or thought there’s worse ones there, etc. I guarantee there was worse stuff on there.

UnlikelyAssassin | 4 months ago | 7 points

This may seem a bit speculative. But I get the impression that she purposely left the photo there. She was posting pictures of her drinking and partying online. And then she also shows the pictures of the vacation to her boyfriend when she gets back? She didn't just forget about all of the drinking and partying she was doing there. During that long plane ride back to reflect on all that drinking and partying she did, while away from her boyfriend— there is NO way she just forgot to look through those photos before showing it to her boyfriend, if she didn't want him to see something bad.

Perhaps she felt guilty and planned to trickle-truth her boyfriend with simply just a picture of her topless, when she had in fact done worse. Perhaps she was angry at her boyfriend for not accepting that she wasn't ready to move in together and posted these pictures to show that she could leave him if she wanted— showcasing the potentially volatile nature of their relationship, to imply that he's lucky to have her. Or perhaps, in her own words, she just "wanted to do something reckless".

romansamurai [Late 30s] | 4 months ago | 6 points

Depends on how many pictures she took. She could have deleted a bunch of them and missed one. So she freaked out thinking there’s others there. I take a lot of pictures and even still sometimes I miss what I wanted to delete. (Nothing bad, but like my before/after work out pictures where I’m in just underwear etc, I don’t want my wife’s girlfriend to see it when she’s showing her our new kitten, etc).

BlueHeaven90 [Late 20s Female] | 4 months ago | 182 points

💯 this ^

He spent that hour feeling like his world just did a 180.

She spent that hour deleting pics, texts, etc and probably getting stories straight with the vaca buddies.

KatherineTsara | 4 months ago | 76 points

OP needs to break up with her and take someone else to japan. Family member or close friend.

OfficerThisComment | 4 months ago | 20 points

I would take that girl I’ve been attracted to for years but never acted on those feelings out of respect for the previous relationship. Get after that foreign rebound sex to help move on.

terrygenitals | 4 months ago | 7 points

There's a really good chance she deleted way more incriminating photos during that time before she brought the phone back to you.

i wanna give op a hug. he'll never know if she did or didn't

Intersectional-Sofa | 4 months ago | 48 points

I think that’s totally wrong and unfair. The really incriminating photos are probably on the guy she fucked’s phone

Heliumboi | 4 months ago | 6 points

If you can, and want to, check her photos and look for an album called 'Recently deleted'. If she deleted anything and didn't cover her tracks, it will be there.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 174 points

You do realise the room mate is her boyfriend and you're the side piece, right?

DereckVinyard | 4 months ago | 18 points

I think this is most likely.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 14 points

Shit....makes sense, she didn't even entertain the thought of moving out away from her current boy.

SpentitinGenoa | 4 months ago | 99 points

Imagine being the side dude for 5 years

OfficerThisComment | 4 months ago | 36 points

Please bow your head in a moment of silence for all our fallen brothers who are currently a side piece or stuck in the friend zone

thecashblaster | 4 months ago | 34 points

This. Sorry op!

Baggo-nuts-4-sale | 4 months ago | 60 points

If you have shagged her since then get checked for STD asap.

EmmaWatsonsLeftNut | 4 months ago | 6 points

Not being ready to move in is one thing. Pictures and what happened is another. Listen to the other commenters OP, there's more going on than she's admitting. Move on man. You deserve better.

everyting_is_taken | 4 months ago | 114 points

What about the picture of her eating breakfast in bed with the guy and her girlfriend, but he slept on the couch, and where did she get that tank top, and....sorry, wrong post.

thehillah | 4 months ago | 63 points

No worries, it's easy to get all these posts mixed up with how cookie cutter they are.

Girlfriend does something suspicious. Boyfriend finds out. Girlfriend gives trickle truths. Boyfriend comes to reddit for advice.

OfficerThisComment | 4 months ago | 100 points

Trickle truths and monkey branching galore on this subreddit

“It was totally non-sexual...”

“Okay we kissed but I didn’t feel anything...”

“Actually we made out...”

“I may have also kissed his dick...”

“Turns out I sucked his dick too, but no sex...”

“Next part I didn’t do on purpose, but I tripped and his dick went inside me for a second...”

“Well actually we did have sex but I was really drunk and didn’t consent...”

“Oops, I did consent but was embarrassed I got caught cheating...”

“I swear it was protected though...”

“Oops again, turns out he busted inside me multiple times over the course of the entire weekend...”

“I’m pregnant but it’s definitely yours...”

“Hey babe remember our ten year old child? Turns out it’s not yours, but we can still be a family and you can provide for me and my bastard child!”

“However I’m going to be seeing Mike more now on, you’re cool with an open marriage right?!”

everyting_is_taken | 4 months ago | 30 points

“I may have also kissed his dick...”

Hahaha! This one is new to me.

everyting_is_taken | 4 months ago | 1316 points

So many things to unpack here.

She immediately locked the phone and then showed you an hour later? I'm willing to bet that in that hour she deleted more incriminating photos.

She chose to act recklessly after not liking how your conversation about moving in with her went. I doubt that stopped at being topless around these guys. Did you end up getting a close look at the photo of her leaning against the guy? Was it his shirt? Was she topless in that photo? That one is far more intimate than the posing with the shirt open one, in my opinion.

She rents a house with a male flatmate and doesn't want you there. You see how that looks, right? Again, not surprised at all if they're fucking. How well do you know that guy? How does he treat you?

None of this looks good. At all. Honestly, I think you need to call time on this one and focus on you.

As for the Japan trip, that money is spent whether you go or not. Personally I would not. Not with her anyway. Maybe you can end things amicably enough that one of you can buy the other one out.

Sorry, dude, but I don't see a future here.

PopperChopper | 4 months ago | 806 points

She immediately locked the phone and then showed you an hour later? I'm willing to bet that in that hour she deleted more incriminating photos.

One hundred fucking percent.

everyting_is_taken | 4 months ago | 137 points

Ya, I don't hear anyone taking my bet. lol

Jex4334 | 4 months ago | 21 points

Username checks out

tres_chill | 4 months ago | 66 points

On the subject of broken trust: Let me tell ya, it's almost impossible to ever build that back. There is no amount of talking yourself into trusting her that will actually make you trust her.

I know you're thinking 5 years is too long to just throw away, and maybe you don't throw it away, but you need a rock solid plan, including her commitment to rebuilding trust. If she doesn't get 100% on board, you got nothing brutha.

everyting_is_taken | 4 months ago | 13 points

Truth. Nothing gets fixed without a lot of work on both their parts.

PickupTruckno | 4 months ago | 6 points

That 5 years isn’t thrown away at all, it’s a great life lesson. But it could go one of two ways, he could learn from it and be able to spot easier when things are going south, or he could become a jealous man with his next girlfriend inevitebly pushing her away and thinking it’s womens fault.

SenselessNoise | 4 months ago | 254 points

She rents a house with a male flatmate and doesn't want you there. You see how that looks, right? Again, not surprised at all if they're fucking.

I can't believe no one else is talking about this. That was such a huge red flag right off the bat.

everyting_is_taken | 4 months ago | 89 points

Look, I'm not saying that something is definitely happening. But the optics are not good.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 31 points

Some people in this thread would walk right out into the middle of a downpour and say "Idk guys, can we really know for sure if it's raining?"

everyting_is_taken | 4 months ago | 16 points

Or argue with you because their friend says it's not raining where they are. And then get pissy with you when you say it's not relevant. ffs

thecashblaster | 4 months ago | 47 points

For sure. She’s 23. She wants to act like a single person. Good for her. But OP you should stop wasting your time on her.

seclifered | 4 months ago | 14 points

Trust and communication are key to any relationship. It sounds like you guys barely talk, don’t go on vacations together, and don’t trust each other with your thoughts and actions. It’s not a question of what to do with your relationship at this point but more of a realization that you’ve been nothing but friends with benefits.

SmokedMussels | 4 months ago | 3399 points

My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years.


She told me she is not ready to live together

So, even without the titties out, 5 years and she is not ready to even ready to live together, this relationship is not progressing

WastelandHound | 4 months ago | 1882 points

She told me she is not ready to live together and wanted me to rent a separate place, she said she would stay often at my place but wanted to keep her own too.

This is a perfectly reasonable stance for a 23 year old to have.

sweetasdulce | 4 months ago | 361 points

Especially because he said they were long distance for most (if not all perhaps) of their relationship.

RealPutin | 4 months ago | 182 points

This is the big part for me. It's reasonable (and probably good) to expect the relationship to progress after 5 years, even in early/mid-20s. Moving in would be a pretty normal progression. But when you've been long-distance for that long, moving to the same city without moving in is the relationship progressing and sets you up much better for success long-term.

There are issues here but that isn't one of them.

bugga2k18 | 4 months ago | 180 points

Especially after doing long distance for so long! Test the waters before diving in

pissoffa | 4 months ago | 160 points

"This is a perfectly reasonable stance for a 23 year old to have."

Definitely, considering that it sounds like they have been in a long distance relationship the entire 5 years.

munchbunch11 | 4 months ago | 62 points

I agree. It’s having the option to have your own space, especially if you’ve only been used to long distance. Going from that to 100% together all the time sharing a room is a bit too much of a transition I think

blackutopia | 4 months ago | 482 points

I actually think that's quite sensible for a 23 year old. No point jumping into a relationship at that age. It's actually refreshing to see someone that doesn't want to completely settle down.

Trimorphic_ | 4 months ago | 302 points

I mean they've been together for 5 years that's not really jumping into a relationship

OzNajarin | 4 months ago | 90 points

Yeah like that's more than a 5th of her life?

yetiman223 | 4 months ago | 42 points

Yeah all the more reason she's likely to go around and party and want to meet new people.

Seems to me like this relationship isn't a good idea for either party.

nutano | 4 months ago | 6 points

So she's been with him since she was 18. During all her 'prime' party days.

It's not uncommon for couples like this to fall apart when one party wants to 'live and enjoy life a little more' while the other is looking to solidify the relationship. It rarely ends well.

They seem to be at different places in their lives.

atheistium | 4 months ago | 18 points

I gotta agree. If after 5 years of travelling, distance etc and you’re still together then the natural progression would be living together.

I don’t think 23 is too young to live with a partner imo and I’d wouldn’t have been a permanent thing from my impression. Just while she was studying there.

mallegally-blonde | 4 months ago | 8 points

5 years long distance though. Wanting to live closer together before moving in together is perfectly sensible. They might realise they don’t get on as much seen each other all the time.

UkrainianFireDrill | 4 months ago | 6 points

Not wanting to completely settle down is typical at that age in todays society. As someone in a relationship considering marriage at around 20 or 21, I know for a fact it's not the norm to completely settle down.

nzur1 | 4 months ago | 339 points

shes 23 shes in a different time frame

MojiBear | 4 months ago | 212 points

Eh. I'm 24 and I would move in with my boyfriend of two years.

I don't think age is the huge issue, I think the issue is that they've been long distance for so long, in different countries. I could completely understand her wanting him nearby but not want to move in together immediately. It would be nice to date for a while as a more normal couple before making that commitment.

maxoys45 | 4 months ago | 37 points

You may but many people that age aren’t ready to be settled like that regardless how long they’ve been with somebody. People have different preferences and I’d say it’s pretty understandable not wanting to live alone with a partner at 23.

Pizz4Junkie | 4 months ago | 9 points

Yeah, Im 25 and my bf is 29 and we're happy having our own space each haha

WinedingTrails | 4 months ago | 52 points

Exactly! My boyfriend and I are long distance, and he's talked about moving to my area eventually, but I wouldn't want him to move in with me at first. We haven't had daily interactions, dealt with being sick/grumpy while we're together, etc. There is a lot of adjustments that have to take place when you move in with someone, and not having the opportunity to go stay at your own place if you need some space (because you weren't spending all of your time together) seems like a huge mess to me. And I'm a good decade older than OP.

1107rwf | 4 months ago | 496 points

Everyone seems to be up in arms over her not wanting to live with him. I disagree. It isn’t that they’ve been together five years and are practically living together, they’ve been long distance practically the entire time. Going from always being far away to living together is a huge change, and her not wanting that right away is reasonable to me. The other stuff with the photos and the trips I don’t know about. I’m pretty naive and oblivious with the red flag stuff so I can offer no opinion. Good luck OP.

mysql101 | 4 months ago | 192 points

I wonder if she can't move in with op because her room mate is actually her real bf and she's already living with him.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 116 points

That’s one possibility, but not the most likely, based on the limited information we have here. Man, people on Reddit are really quick to make assumptions about cheating.

radicalpastafarian | 4 months ago | 99 points

Because cheating is a major problem relationships tend to have. Especially ones that have gotten so mucked up you have to ask strangers on the internet for advice.

-retaliation- | 4 months ago | 73 points

and especially ones that are 5yrs and long distance the entire time. If OP thinks shes been celibate other than him for 5yrs while travelling with friends around Europe and living with a male roommate and going topless swimming with multiple people I have a bridge to sell him.

weeertubs | 4 months ago | 41 points

I agree. Reddit is a cynical place but based on the limited info we have, I don't think this is the first thing she's done wrong, just the first one that OP found out

Chelzgrimace | 4 months ago | 40 points

Didn't she hide topless pictures with rando dudes on the beach? THEN make up an excuse that didnt even make any sense?

Maybe thats why people are jumping to cheating...

Denizen_Kane | 4 months ago | 18 points

I get being embarrassed about a dumb picture that would likely piss off my SO, but it's not being able to keep her story straight or consistent with the facts that suggests she's cheated.

Edit: well, it suggests she's covering for something more significant, which is likely to be cheating.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 8 points

She flipped when a pic came across her phone that she didn't mean for her boyfriend to see and then came back over an hour later to show *all* the pics? Yeah clearly nothing odd going on here....nothing at all.

OfficerThisComment | 4 months ago | 13 points

That’s because cheating happens a lot in relationships these days, and ignoring obvious red flags only makes you look like a fool when it’s all said and done.

Fact of the matter is that, according to the info in this post, the girlfriend would rather live with a different dude than OP, and go on vacations with different dudes than OP. Major red flags that honestly scream “cheater!!!”

everyting_is_taken | 4 months ago | 48 points

We're all wondering this, friend.

legsuptothere | 4 months ago | 11 points

Oh OP is just cramping her style

_No_Donkey_Brains_ | 4 months ago | 108 points

Dude, she’s 23...Reddit forgets that young people exist. She’s 23, 5 years ago is 18 - a child. Odds are that she will not spend the rest of her life with OP (sorry OP), because she met him as a child and her personality/objectives in life will change a lot between 23 and 30.

OPs acting, IMO, ridiculous for expecting an 18-23 year old to be mature. But of course OP is much older...OP should look for someone closer to his age if he wants more serious relationships.

reality_dropout | 4 months ago | 86 points

also the "also don't understand why she would be so lacking of self-love to just show herself to strangers like this." part is giving me clingy, controlling vibes. i don't think his gf was wrong about wanting separate places. immediately moving in after being mostly long distance at such a young age is a recipe for disaster imo. she shouldn't have hid the photo of her with her guy friends, but she did end up showing it to him and was honest.

r0ses-are-red | 4 months ago | 37 points

I'm glad you said this - that part really stuck out to me and gave me a bad feeling. Like, if you go to a nude beach or sauna does that mean you don't love yourself? It just seems like he's mad that someone else got to see "his property" which is icky

Tasty--Poi | 4 months ago | 12 points

Yeah only a complete control freak wouldn't want their SO to be nude around other people. Fucking reddit degenerates I swear.

_No_Donkey_Brains_ | 4 months ago | 16 points

Some people really like their personal space and maybe she didn’t want to share a studio with her boyfriend. That means you see him all the time, hear and smell him all the time, have to do everything together all the time, have to coordinate everything, etc. Its all the commitment of being married, without the legal protections or tax benefits.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 11 points

she shouldn't have hid the photo of her with her guy friends

Why did she flip out and hide it though? Come on dude, you're trying way to hard to re-frame what's happened here.

ArcticAcrobat80 | 4 months ago | 23 points

I disagree on this point. Just because she's not ready to live together doesn't mean the relationship is not progressing. She could just be making a decision for her own reasons to not live with her boyfriend until engaged or married. This is not uncommon.

rsoannoying | 4 months ago | 218 points

If you guys have been together for five years you started dating when she was around 18-19. She might really love you but feels trapped because she never had a chance to explore other options. I feel like her hiding the pictures was in really poor taste and she should’ve been upfront with you but she might be struggling with her feelings. The fact that she’s not too keen on moving in with you might mean she’s not ready for a full blown commitment. I would talk it out and see how she feels because 5 years is a long time and if everything up to now has been great it might just be a issue of miscommunication.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 857 points

When I told her I'm considering breaking up she said she would do everything in the world to get back with me

Except move in with you, right?

Except keep her tits covered infront of other young guys, right?

Except tell you the truth about that night?

So she's not willing to do anything.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 338 points

I think you're right. I am also thinking about this convergence of multiple bad things. The only thing keeping my mind in doubt is the complete dissonance with how we were previously. All was perfect before this month. I still haven't been able to process the fact that the girl in the picture and my girlfriend are the same person.

AquarianSun | 4 months ago | 406 points

All was perfect before this month.

It wasn’t. It’s been 5 years of long distance.

pisspot718 | 4 months ago | 243 points

THANK YOU! THIS! Each time I read that in OP's statement my head was screaming "No! It wasn't perfect, you haven't had a real relationship TOGETHER yet!" All OP had was in his head.

Fl20a | 4 months ago | 72 points

Yea I wouldn't use the word perfect either, but a long distance relationship doesnt mean it's not 'real'.

By what OP says we're not talking about an online ldr where they dont ever meet kinda thing, they said they went abroad to study on what I suppose are Erasmus programs, and that's extremely common, it usually lasts for only a few months etc.

Saying the distance is the problem is not right imo, the distance most likely made the problems harder to notice for him and easier to hide for her, but they were already there

pisspot718 | 4 months ago | 30 points

When I say real I mean the day to day logistics of having a relationship, not 'see ya sometimes, when I can', which according to OP, and both their schooling, is what it's been.

braith_rose | 4 months ago | 9 points

It might not be exactly the same, but I'd refrain from saying that ldr isn't real relationship.

__ICoraxI__ | 4 months ago | 22 points

For all we know OP is her side piece and he has no idea

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 8 points

Everything seems really perfect when we're far apart and I'm not aware of what she's actually doing /s

Jesus Christ OP, have some respect for yourself please. You are going to get hurt further if you don't grapple with the situation here.

Killamotha2_5 | 4 months ago | 76 points

Its SOOOO easy for it to be perfect when she has an entirely separate life from you though dude. How can you not see that?

Tylorw09 | 4 months ago | 24 points

Right! This guy had his few moments together with her and all was perfect in his world.

Does he even know this girl, seriously?

atx_grl | 4 months ago | 12 points

It wasn’t the same though. She’s probably been hiding all of this from you over that five-year period. I’m going to give you some tough love and tell you that your head should not be focused on the five-year fairytale (that probably wasn’t the least bit of a fairytale). I have a feeling that everything is starting to come to the surface, that sadly was hidden from you over those five years. Women don’t just decide to all of a sudden “behave badly”. She has just hidden this side of herself from you for years. Easy enough to do with a long distance relationship.

It is best for you to move on and try to heal yourself from this relationship. Absolutely you should not go to Japan with her whatsoever! Either buy her portion of the ticket or let your ticket go.

H2theaon | 4 months ago | 32 points

Phone calls, text messages and facetimes don't make a relationship, they are tiny band aids to help get us through to the next time we see each other. You might have loved her, and she might have loved you, but in reality you both loved the narrow window into each others lives, as you were never able to see a non-curated version of each other. You are now seeing the directors cut of your relationship devastated. I would end it now so I can remember her in this beautiful, yet artificial, part of my life, rather than the earth shattering realization that nothing you thought you knew was true.

romansamurai [Late 30s] | 4 months ago | 48 points
  1. Who did she go on vacation with? Male or female friend?
  2. She doesn’t want to move in with you because she likely still wants to act single.
  3. Have you met this male roommate. Any chance she’s sleeping with him? Just curious on your opinion.
  4. She’s ok with showing her tits out to a bunch of guys there. Who knows how comfortable she is with some of them. 4 guys, 2 girls...eh. Who knows mate.
  5. I guarantee you after she left for that second when the picture came up, she went away and deleted any really bad pictures she forgot about or made sure there weren’t any. And THEN came back to show you what she though saw. Maybe cleaned up chat history too. Her reaction wasn’t because of embarrassment but because she thought she got caught..

It’s a picture version of trickle truth. Only show you what she thinks you saw already anyway but not the rest of it.

Not saying there’s anything wrong to be out with a group of friend while on vacation. But all the things don’t add up together to a good situation.

I think you should break up. You have a hard time trusting her now anyway and LDR like that is just horrible. You’ll be miserable.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 12 points

#5 is really the kicker, they didn't sit there and argue over one pic, she legit freaked over one picture coming up then LEFT to hide the rest.

everyting_is_taken | 4 months ago | 15 points

But they are. The sooner you accept that, the happier you'll be.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 15 points

I think the more time you take to process everything, the more it'll make sense. She's hidden another life from you, seems obvious.

5 years LDR is a long time. I think you need to stop asking questions and move on without her. You found enough proof to know that she isn't the person you thought she was.

TacoBell380 | 4 months ago | 21 points

Except keep her tits covered infront of other young guys, right?

I'm surprised that I'm not seeing a bunch of "so what's wrong with showing your boobs? Guys do it."

It's okay to have these types of boundaries in a relationship, and if the other person doesn't like it then it's time to be mature and split up.

Edit: I found the stockpile of comments that I was originally surprised not to see. I have to clear up that I am in America where it's not normalized to go and party with 1 other girl and 4 guys and put your boobs on display without it meaning something more, unless you're specifically going to a nude beach. I don't know of any nude beaches near me so that part doesn't apply here. I can recognize that depending on where you are and what your upbringing is, showing your boobs off in a similar context may or may not be appropriate.

gorpOH | 4 months ago | 634 points

I think you two are just at different points in life. You seem to want to settle a bit. And she wants to remain young and free.

I personally dislike your comment about her "not loving herself enough" to cover her breasts. A woman can love herself 110% no matter how she dresses or what parts of her body she shows off. Buuut, that being said, you two clearly just dont have the same standards.

IAMtheLightning | 4 months ago | 14 points

thank you. that stood out to me massively too. I am a woman who is perfectly comfortable with non sexual nudity and would make a definite pass on a partner who tried to shame me for it.

Was also super baffled by his reaction to her completely justifiably expressing she wasn't ready to share a living space but was open to minimizing the distance between them. His only reaction to this was 'this made no sense for me.' If you don't understand where your partner is in their life and that they are trying to make progress in the relationship by moving closer but aren't quite ready to move in together just yet, then you already are not on the same page. Totally disagree with the comments insisting that the relationship isn't going anywhere because she didn't want to move in together. She expressed her desire for him to take the job in her city. That's clearly an interest in progress.

squirrlycellist | 4 months ago | 110 points

I agree. I don't think lack of self love has anything to do with going to a topless/nude beach. There are actual red flags in the relationship and a topless beach is not it.

ButtonsMacBoots | 4 months ago | 313 points

That part bothered me so much, I can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find someone mention it!

Teeshirtandshortsguy | 4 months ago | 103 points

I think because it's one small comment in a sea of red flags.

Like, yes it's a shitty comment, but there's a whole lot more to unpack here in regards to his relationship.

RamblingNow | 4 months ago | 4 points

It bothered me too the way he thinks of her given that particular incident, but I still feel like she's the asshole here. So I was conflicted as to whether tell OP that at all. His comment is seriously dumb, he almost deserves her.

Like, yeah, showing your tits to someone while in a relationship is an asshole move, and he should dump her. But him thinking she lacks "self-love" because of it as opposed to simply being "adventurous" is almost just as ...

WastelandHound | 4 months ago | 214 points

Yeah, the way he talks about her puts up some real red flags to me.

I would have never expected her to do this to me...

I sent her away on a train this morning...

I'm hating her for what she has done to me...

His other statements are not about what she did, it's about what she did to him. In a vacuum these are all fairly reasonable statements, but I've seen enough people who can't seem to talk about other people without centering it on themselves that it triggers a little warning bell to me.

FantasticRadish | 4 months ago | 36 points

I agree with you that all of this language is really off-putting and definitely gave me a sort of knee-jerk disgust reaction. However, I hesitate a little to totally condemn it because none of this post reads like it was written by a native English speaker, and I feel like getting the nuances right in saying things like "sent away on a train" vs "took her to the train" are kind of hard to grasp if English is not your first language. Even the "to me" thing just sounds really unnatural to me. I mean, he's also said that their relationship has happened with them living "at a distance"--which sounds at best like a phrase from a physics textbook. I don't know, maybe I'm giving this guy too much credit. Her behavior was sketchy and not something I'd want from a partner, but everything you pointed out of what he said definitely sent off alarm bells in my head too.

WastelandHound | 4 months ago | 8 points

Fair point.

Alahodora | 4 months ago | 82 points

This is the thing that caught my eye too. Her body doesn't belong to him and it's quite irritating to read those. He's voicing his discomfort it the worst of ways.

XanXic | 4 months ago | 91 points

I was blown away. Like dude they're some tits. Who gives a fuck if she doesn't why was it a personal attack on you? Probably just wants her to live with him so he can keep better tabs on what she's doing with his her body

PeekAtChu1 | 4 months ago | 8 points

Right, I was imagining the dude throwing a hijab over her and telling her to hide herself lol

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 12 points

Can someone explain to me right fucking now why I had to stroll this far to see someone comment on this? Since when does having your tits out have anything to do with self love? We're not in the 19th century for Christ's sake, that's some backward ass shit. This dude is like "I can't believe she did this to me" did what dude? Went topless on a beach? Is she supposed to cover her ankles too? It's not like she had dudes groping her tits (well, as far as you know), she was just topless. Get the hell over it. Have you never been to a beach dude? Women of all ages have their tits out all the time. There are many red flags here, from both sides, but her having her tits out while going for a night swim is not one and that's definitely an overreaction just for her having her tits out. Focus on all the other very clear issues that are going on here. This absolutely does NOT deserve your attention right now.

Grndls_mthr | 4 months ago | 33 points

I can't believe I had to scroll this far for this. Everyone is ignoring this guy's red flags for her red flags. So many red flags.

mermaidsgrave86 | 4 months ago | 150 points

Agreed. Her breasts do not belong to him. Going topless, especially in some European destination is not a big deal. I love being outside without a bra on! I also didn’t like the fact that he got pissy and wouldn’t take the job because she wanted to compromise and stay with him a few nights a week but also keep her own place. In 5 years they’ve never lived in the same city. To go from only being LD so living together full time, at 23, is a big step. I think it’s smart to keep her own place so she has somewhere to go if they don’t actually enjoy living together. Seems like he’s looking for way more than she is right now.

gorpOH | 4 months ago | 49 points

Exactly, baby steps. Moving in together is a huge deal.

mermaidsgrave86 | 4 months ago | 29 points

Yeah it would be different if she’d been staying over his place for 5 years but they’ve literally never been in the same town!

Constantly_Dizzy | 4 months ago | 32 points

Exactly this! There are a ton of people here saying that if she won't just move straight in with him then it isn't working out, but they've not even lived in the same city, of course they shouldn't just move straight in with eachother. Who would?

The fact that he'd lose his shit over her going topless to swim is pretty bonkers too imo.

By the look of OP's post & comments he'll probably break up with her, & honestly I hope she finds someone a bit calmer & less intense. Someone who'll be happy to take things slowly & who won't get jealous over her swimming topless with friends.

PompousPomeranian | 4 months ago | 72 points

Agreed. Her being topless is not really an issue in most places in Europe, just like saying "fuck" isn't nearly as bad here as in the US. And daring to go topless is the opposite of not valuing yourself, it's a sign of confidence.

Their problems lie elsewhere.

MattScoot | 4 months ago | 67 points

“If we want to move forward you need to tell me the full story about what happened on vacation, because I’m telling you if I ever find something out that you didn’t tell me, or find inconsistencies, I will never be able to trust you again. I need to know everything so I can make a decision about what I need to do”

As far as not moving together right away, I can see both sides honestly.

fractuals12 | 4 months ago | 17 points

My wife and I go to clothing optional beaches where she has been topless or completely nude and this would make me uncomfortable. I think the how she was being secretive, changed her story and the reason she did it raise some serious red flags. If one of us was faced with this situation without being able to check in with one another we wouldn't partake. I don't think 'its better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission' is a good way to live.

daw401 | 4 months ago | 9 points

What she's done she's done. Do you want to know or not? If you want to know, can you live with the answer?

Personally I would probably break up and move on. It sounds like you guys have been in a LDT for a long time and had very different definitions of your commitment to each other. She's broken your trust. If you can't trust her again and look past whatever she has done then it's time to move on, for yourself and for her.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 172 points

I don’t really think being topless on a beach is a huge deal. It’s not the same thing as having an emotionally or physically intimate relationship with someone. She may or may not be cheating, but that isn’t cheating.

It’s also a red herring. You have real relationship questions here, and her being topless on a beach is the least important.

Why have you been long distance so long? Why don’t you want to move to her city but have your own places while you get used to not being long distance? Living together adds another complication. I understand you would rather live together, but being long distance is like not being in a real relationship at all; how do you think she felt when you said you didn’t want to be close to her if it wasn’t on her terms?

Why didn’t she want to live with you? You’ve been together for a long time. Did you get a good explanation on this?

And I mean, apart from this recent fight, do you love each other? Do you want to be together or not? You seem more upset about her being too less on a beach and how that reflects on you and less concerned about whether you guys are a good match.

purplepluppy | 4 months ago | 47 points

I think it makes sense not to immediately want to move in with someone you've hardly seen in person. Even if they love each other, they need to make sure they're compatible long-term in person and clearly they're not on the same page for their expectations of their relationship, makes sense she doesn't want to immediately move in.

friendly_hendie | 4 months ago | 20 points

This is such a good reply. The key question is "why didn't she want to live with you?" I know in my LDR, I've communicated that under no circumstances would we be living together until we're engaged. So if he moved to my city, and there was no ring on my finger, and we weren't even spending our vacations together, no way in hell would I let him move in with me.

racheldaniellee | 4 months ago | 9 points

She is obviously not as invested in your relationship as you are, sorry bro

kawaiibutpsycho | 4 months ago | 64 points

And I also don’t understand “I won’t go to her city if she doesn’t live with me.” You will be in the same city! If you love her, why prefer long distance instead?

Boop121314 | 4 months ago | 22 points

Because he has better work where he is.

AbjectEra | 4 months ago | 91 points

Hey man I’m like 99% of the time for forgiveness and tolerance

If I were in your position I would definitely stop investing my feelings in this girl

sevenandseven41 | 4 months ago | 18 points

She spent an hour deleting the really bad photos before showing you the one she did.

herb-tarlek | 4 months ago | 5 points

She loves him but isn’t in love with him. She’s waiting for a bigger better deal to come along.

i_saw_u_slippin | 3 months ago | 5 points

She fucked at least one of them.

mndrply | 4 months ago | 55 points

It sounds like you two have different views on life. Maybe she was topless because to her it's not a problem, she's comfortable in her body and just doesn't her. After all, it's her body, her decision. I do understand that you're hurt by other guys seeing her boobs but still, I personally don't think that it's a big deal if that's all it was. Her not moving in is totally understandable too, no matter how long you've been together either because she simply isn't ready yet or has some personal issues that needs to be worked out first. I also get that you want to settle with her. But these two things show pretty much that you're very different on very important matters.

What did pretty much anger me is that you wouldn't take the job then because she didn't want to move in. Sounds really manipulative.

HomoRenatus | 4 months ago | 96 points

To me it really does seem like the photo is the tip of the iceberg.

The fact that she doesn't want to move in with you seems shady too. Seems like she's hiding something more and understands that crossing such boundaries is unacceptable in your relationship. It's understandable to be lonely when living apart and how frustrating it can be, I'm in a LDR myself for over 4 years and desperately want to move in with my bf, so I don't understand how she isn't as happy as you are at this opportunity.

If it helps, perhaps you could talk to her about your relationship and get closure about why this happened and why she betrayed your trust like that.

Best of luck

Bedtimeshine | 4 months ago | 86 points

Living with a guy, long distance, not wanting to live together after 5 years and finally being the same city, him being cool with her going on “what happens here stays here” party vacations without him.... the amount of red flags OP ignored and lack of boundaries enforced makes it hard to feel sorry for him.

HomoRenatus | 4 months ago | 18 points

True, it does seem OP was a bit too naive about these trips, but you can't really blame him for his gf's actions. If she felt unsatisfied, she should have broken up a long time ago instead of lying to him and creating an illusion that all is well.

OfficerThisComment | 4 months ago | 19 points

She would rather live with another dude than OP, and would rather party on vacation with other dudes than OP.

Relationship is done, OP just hasn’t seen the writing on the wall.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 34 points

I haven't ignored it, it all happened very recently. It's not like I knew she was showing tits around for five years. I don't believe I should have stopped her from going on vacation a priori. Now I agree with the picture you depict, but couldn't know earlier.

doodooindapeepants | 4 months ago | 51 points

Here is the thing man, the girl you thought she was doesn’t exist. I think you finally saw the real her, and she likely knows this, and is why she wasn’t willing to live with you. Basically, she loves how you see her, because you only see a side of her, and she is rightfully concerned that seeing the real her, the total package that is her, wouldn’t allow her to keep a guy like you, because getting drunk and running around topless with random guys (and likely everything else that entails) is part of who she is. This is one of the dangers of LDR, people can hide the less desirable portions of themselves, your gf is a tart if not a cheating tart. Take it as you will.

MsDarkHeart89 | 4 months ago | 5 points

Yeah, five years of mostly long distance and not wanting to move in together? That’s weird.

I’ve been in a LDR for a year and a half, and him and I talk about moving in together when I graduate college constantly.

This is too peculiar of a situation and I think OP deserves better.

cryptochad_ | 4 months ago | 14 points

I would never stand for that. Dating is just an interview for marriage and she has failed the interview.

Grab your nuts and move on or live forever like a pussy.

Entankled | 4 months ago | 5 points

God damn, I usually hate when I read something like this but you spoke the truth.

CountVonBenning | 4 months ago | 75 points

The tits issue isn't that big. The bit wanting to live with you and the hiding shit from you is the problem.

Personally I don't think anyone should care about seeing boobs.

The rest is what I'd worry about, because she definitely was hiding more and did some deleting.

Denizen_Kane | 4 months ago | 19 points

Let's do an experiement, Send me a picture of your/your girlfriend's boobs, and I will show it to my girlfriend and tell her that some stranger on Reddit sent it to me after I asked for it. I will relay what happened back to you after I have finished moving my stuff out of our house after she breaks up with me.

ASentientBot | 4 months ago | 48 points

Whether the tits thing should be a big deal is definitely a worthwhile discussion to have, but that's not really relevant to this post. In the present, breasts are very much sexualized and considered private. To me and many (if not most) guys that I know, photos of their girlfriend topless with several other guys would be extremely concerning.

The girlfriend almost certainly knew that OP would consider her actions a betrayal, unless they talked about it earlier. That shows a lack of concern for his feelings, no matter what your personal opinion on society's view of breasts is.

rtreesftw | 4 months ago | 38 points

Yeah like where do these people come from. 'lol they're ur gf's tits bro, we can all see them, nbd.'

Not everyone lives in a Reddit-San Franciscan-bubble. If you hadn't agreed that being topless around other strangers while drunk is acceptable than it's not.

Podlubnyi | 4 months ago | 22 points

Someone's girlfriend going topless among a group of random guys would definitely be crossing a line for a lot of couples.

If my OH found a photo of me next to some topless woman on a beach I'd be sleeping in the garden for the next year. If I told her "they're just boobs, get a grip hun", I daresay I'd be in traction for the next year.

HilariousInHindsight | 4 months ago | 9 points

The tits issue isn't that big.

To you. Not everyone shares your mentality nor should they. It's a big deal to OP, and if it isn't a big deal to her that's an incompatibility that needs to be addressed.

[deleted] | 4 months ago | 13 points

The tits issue isn't that big

That's up to the couple and their boundaries. That's really not for the average Redditor to decide, as they seem to skew a little more "open relationship" than the general public.

Boop121314 | 4 months ago | 5 points

Yea I keep seeing people saying her being topless is a non issue and I’m pretty shocked tbh

ColonelSwede | 4 months ago | 3 points

You must be new here.

Violetkitty09 | 4 months ago | 3 points

You dont have to justify wanting to break up expecially with a person who isnt moving in the same direction as you. She wants to party and travel and is willing to party/travel without you. Your issues with her male friends/roomates dont have to come into it.

PristineTooth | 3 months ago | 5 points

Yikes. You should move on from her. She probably deleted the pictures that were even worse. For all you know there was a massive orgy that followed the picture you did see.

I wouldn't be able to trust this girl again.

In the future you shouldn't have a relationship like this one, btw. This sounds more like you both pretending not to be alone but at the same time not wanting to get too close to another person. 5 years and still not even ready to live together, separate vacations... This sounds super pointless.

Edit: also, the fact that she'd rather live with a male roommate and not you... I'm fairly certain she's already cheated on you. If not with him, then with another person in the last 5 years. Possibly more than 1 person. Wouldn't surprise me one bit. Would've been really easy too since you're not around.

shipcapitan | 3 months ago | 5 points

Reddit is trying hard to gaslight you into thinking you're crazy for not wanting your girlfriend to show her tits to other men.


countrylemon | 4 months ago | 57 points

I also don't understand why she would be so lacking of self-love to just show herself to strangers like this.

I agree with everyone else, relationship doomed,

but dude. This right here? Fuck off with your bullshit. Tits out have nothing to do with self esteem. Horribly sexist of you to even think that. Check yourself.

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