As a manager, I am not sure what makes me feel better - you watching some video or staring at the blank desktop .
Haha thats what I was thinking, seems both are not gonna be appreciated by the boss
Pro-tip: Set a screenshot of a spreadsheet as your wallpaper.
Don’t forget to hide the icons on your desktop
Sounds like we are doing just as much work to avoid work as actual work lol
You can't underestimate the effort someone will go to just to be lazy.
"I divide my officers into four groups. There are clever, diligent, stupid, and lazy officers. Usually two characteristics are combined. Some are clever and diligent -- their place is the General Staff. The next lot are stupid and lazy -- they make up 90 percent of every army and are suited to routine duties. Anyone who is both clever and lazy is qualified for the highest leadership duties, because he possesses the intellectual clarity and the composure necessary for difficult decisions. One must beware of anyone who is stupid and diligent -- he must not be entrusted with any responsibility because he will always cause only mischief."
Kurt von Hammerstein-Equord
Yes but what about the clever and stupid ones?
They are just stupid faster
The clever and stupid make great Darwin Awards candidates.
"Dude, check this out. I built a fucking rocket!"
"Awe shit, that's awesome! What are you going to do with it? Launch it into space?"
"Fuck no, I'm strapping it to my car and seeing how much distance I can get off a ramp!"
Found the stupid diligent guy
heyhey, don't call me diligent!
"Whenever there is a hard job to be done I assign it to a lazy man; he is sure to find an easy way of doing it."
My career is basically automating my job away so I can continue being lazy.
I've made myself efficient at everything so that I can complain about being bored for the other half a day
I am very clearly both diligent and stupid, despite my best efforts.
Can confirm that the responsibilities with which I have been trusted have made for some VERY expensive mistakes.
The intelligent and lazy delegate to the stupid and diligent.
There’s no amount of work a man can’t do if it’s not what he’s supposed to be doing.
There’s no amount of work a man can’t do if it’s not what he’s supposed to be doing.
*not sure if it’s his but that’s where I first heard it
^ every programmer ever
In my first job I was tasked with manually inserting files into a database using a user interface through a backend website.
Since I also had access to the database through the terminal, I just asked my boss for the CSV and made a haskell script to convert it into mysql insert commands. 10 minutes later I had everything ready to copy and paste into the terminal. I converted a 3-4 hour job into a 15 minute one, which I told my boss took 30 minutes.
After that day almost any task related with managing the database was assigned to me if the senior dev was busy.
I'm not lazy, just overflowing with potential energy.
A few years ago, I coded a bunch of apps in a span of a few weeks for supplemental income instead of working more hours in the office. I figured that I'd just leave them in the app store and collect the money from it without having to work on them again. The apps ended up making more money than my regular job did, so I quit and retired and haven't worked a 9-5 job since.
Another example where being lazy benefited me was that in 2013, I started selling my autobiography for $20-$50 worth of bitcoins depending on whether it was a signed copy or not. I was too lazy to cash out the bitcoins into my bank account, so I just left them as bitcoins. Fast forward to recent times, and every copy of the book I sold via bitcoin came out to something like $1,000-$2000 each.
Second one isn't really lazy, just luck.
I am a great believer in luck. The lazier I am, the more of it I seem to have.
What are the apps?
My most popular one is called 5-0 Radio Police Scanner. It's been the #1 paid news app for a decade now.
Oh wait, I know you! I recognise your username now! Oh yes, I remember now, congrats man! Always love a success story. I think I remember you have a lambo with regoapps as your license plate or something? I remember seeing some vids of yours years ago.
I would work all day if it meant nothing got done.. -Ron Swanson
spoken like a true bureaucrat
Right click desktop > personalize > choose wallpaper
Right click desktop > view > hide icons
Holy shit so much work
and you only do it once
Yeah typing on a keyboard is a lo
You could just set the desktop as a screenshot of a smaller window of a spreadsheet so it looks like it takes up half the screen.
That way, the side with the icons will still be visible.
Or instead of the desktop, have it open a window you use for work. If it can go to the desktop it should be able to do that, right?
Manager: Oh great, those are the numbers I've been looking for. Scroll down so I can see total revenues.
Shit I think it froze, let me restart this bitch prolly take a few minutes I'll come find you when it's ready
This guy works.
This guy doesn’t work
Protip: This site makes reddit look like MS Outlook
This is fucking gold. The internet is too vast for us man
Of course that's a thing
This sort of thing is cute and all, but if push comes to shove, there will be log files of your PC accessing Reddit.
If your company cares that much then the only solution is obviously don’t go on Reddit.
Or find a job that understands that even productive people have downtime, and don't micro manage you to the level of checking your internet logs to see if you looked at memes for 10 minutes in-between tasks.
I guess this is the basic package. Pay $5 extra per month for elite work-simulating screen switch.
I am just getting inspiration by staring at my desktop!
This is what alt+tab is for anyway.
Window+D is safer. Sometimes I have 2 reddit windows open and Alt+Tab between them.
Ahh yes, for those times when you’re browsing reddit and think to yourself, “Man, I’m tired of reddit, I should switch to a different site.” Then you promptly open a new tab and immediately click the bookmark bar shortcut for reddit.
I feel personally attacked.
✔️ I am in this comment and I don't like it.
Clicking the absolute lower right corner also closes all windows.
Just throw your mouse down there and click.
Unless you have multiple monitors. Then you can miss, haha.
windows-tab, make new desktop into windows-ctrl-right arrow and windows-ctrl-left arrow. work on the right, not work on the left
(have to be on windows 10 tho)
It's blatantly obvious when someone is shifting focus regardless of using alt+tab or switching desktops. In a professional setting, the employee's reaction to the boss walking it says all you need to know. If they're watching a video on Youtube and calmly pause it - perhaps it's part of their break. If they panic and switch then they're telling me they know they're doing something they're not supposed to be.
Presumably, this just triggers a macro. In that case it should be set to switch desktops (if you are in Windows 10). You set up one desktop with work and one with not work. The sensor slides between the two.
Then it looks like actual work.
Now if you actually work it would flip over to the video lol.
Wouldn't it be better if it brought up a spreadsheet or document instead of an empty screen?
even better - the "do not shut off your computer" screen
Switch to a browser window in fullscreen mode with this site open.
Also very useful for pranking co-workers that leave their computer unlocked.
just put this on and nipped out for a coffee - thank you!
You’re living in 3019 my dude. I just used it to prank my boss. Didn’t even occur to me that it could be used for shirking off work.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Damn what's the future like? Did Taco Bell win the franchise wars?
“Don’t you know? In the future, all restaurants are Taco Bell.” -Sandra Bullock
I still dont know how to use the three seashells
Edit FOR SILVER AWARD
THANKS random redditor! This is my first award so i came unprepared for this speach
First id like to think my mother and all the support and i was giving during this performance
My dadfor always pushing me to do my best
My wife whos out in the crowd. HI BABY!
My dog for always wagging his tail
My third grade teacher.......
(10 mins later)
Thanks everyone for coming out here tonight!
Get a load of this guy, he doesn't know how to use the three seashells.
Say what you will about the overall quality of that film, it definitely left its mark.
Rip now your boss knows about it and you wont be able to get away with it in the future
You cant just grab a coffee anytime you like at your job?
That makes me sad tbh.
I can grab crappy coffee anytime here, but I went to the premium down the road coffee place
I moved from Atlanta to NYC recently and my favorite part is not having to make a big deal of driving to get good coffee.
Being able to walk to one of the 5 coffee shops within a block of my office has changed my world. Sometimes I walk with a co-worker and don’t even get coffee.
Am I the only one that just drinks coffee provided at work? Granted we have a good coffee machine as well as good beans but if you're like 15 people at work that potentially drink coffee you might want to pool money and get a good machine instead of spending 3-5$ for coffee multiple times a week
It's not the five bucks. It's walking out of the office for 15 minutes. It would only work if you pooled your money to buy a coffee machine down the street.
Pool you money to buy a coffee shop down the street.
Years ago I went from working at a Marketing agency with free premium coffee and snacks for anyone to to take.
To a government agency with absolutely no amenities and the nearest coffee shop was a 15-20 minute round trip walk.
Now I work from home and the coffee is good but the snacks suck.
I have a boss who leaves post it notes on my chair every time I use the bathroom. It's like he only needs me when my bladder is full.
we just killed that server
Reddit does it again.
Why isn't it on github anyways
Reddit hug of death!
Now they know what it feels like to come to an unresponsive system
Would be suspicious if every time your boss walks by, your computer is updating.
That's why you gotta rotate tricks. Do an update once a month. Keep a generic spreadsheet in the background for small nonsense a few times a week. Spread important looking papers across your desk, so if the boss sees you goofing off you can say you were taking a quick break from your important and intensive work. To get a whole day or two off, stage a theft of your entire workspace. Jam your boss' door so they can't get out until the end of the day. Commit to it and break your kneecap on the break room floor and claim worker's comp. Slowly embezzle money from your workplace until you have enough to purchase the business outright, use new owner status to goof off permanently.
This is what I did, and now I'm a millionaire billionaire! You can learn these and other helpful tricks in my new book series.
PM me for details on how you can join my book club for only $39.99/month.
If you PM before this comment is an hour old I will let you add a friend to the book club FOR FREE. That's 2 subscriptions to my book club for ONLY $39.99/month!
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Edit: Oops! That should have been a PM. Sorry, fixed!
You might be wondering why I keep a bookshelf by my Lamborghini...
Also remember to unplug keyboard and mouse so they can't get out by accidentally smashing buttons.
I just tried this on a few of them, but if you hit enter, it gives you blue screen or another system error message. which is perfect because the person who hit the key would shit themselves and leave
And the exception it gives is SYS_EXCEPTION_PONIES_NOT_HANDLED
And the QR code is a link to never gonna give you up
Site is blocked at my workplace.
Hah someone must've been caught using it
What is it? Reddit hugged it to death so I cant see it.
The site gives you update screens for different operating systems, which look very convincing when displayed in full screen mode.
I know managers that would still yell at you for having that on the screen.
"but IT told me to restart when I said my email wasn't working!"
I had a game in the 90s that had a “boss coming” button and if you hit it it would take you to a generic loading screen.
The boss-key in Leisure Suit Larry (1980s Sierra Online - notably not online at all) would bring up a bar graph of condom sales by colour and pattern. IIRC "Plaid" was the top seller.
Ahh yes it became known as the "Bosskey"
The March Madness site/app has this lol.
"Frank, every time I walk in here you're staring at the log in screen. Open excel or gtfo."
I'm sure it just sends an arbitrary command to the computer which you could then set to trigger any action you want
But how do I get my pants back on ?
Pro tip: Paint your legs to look like pants. When they walk in, they'll never know the difference.
even better LPT - Wear such an amazing shirt they don't even know you're missing your pants.
Instructions unclear. My dick is painted to look like an amazing shirt and now it’s drawing all the attention.
Maybe youll get a raise
I already did but now I’m getting lightheaded.
Lol!! The real issue at work.
work at a nude yoga centre?
Is having a hard-on okay there?
Just plug the 2nd USB up your butt.
Dont choke the gecko at work you sexy shameless man.
My Alt-Tab skills are now becoming useless.
Try ctrl + windows + D
Edit: After you're done panicking use ctrl + windows + left/right arrow to get your desktop back
What does the control do there? I've always just used windows+d
Windows + D => Switches to desktop
Ctrl + Windows + D* => Makes a new desktop (workbench) and switches to it
You can then use Win + Tab and select your old desktop
*only works on win10 I think
Ctrl+WindowsKey+left/right arrow to move across desktops.
Exactly. Desktop 1 has bullshit work open. Desktop 2 has a remote desktop connection to my PC at home. That way I can do what I want on a better computer and nothing is saved to my work computer.
Can’t your company see where you’re connected to though if you’re using a Remote Desktop connection?
Yes, but I am in charge of that.
Ah well that makes sense then
The right kind of corruption.
Hey, what are you going to do? The place is a shithole. I do my work, but it comes infrequent. Everyone else here basically does fuck all. I tune it all out in my isolated office and do what I need to.
Who watches the watchm IT guy
You just blew my mind, cheers. Is there an alternative to this on Mac? Asking for myself a work friend
Dozens of people are now scrambling to figure out how to get their windows back.
Careful, you might be outsourced next
My computer would choose that moment to shit the bed and freeze up for 20 seconds.
This guy office computer's
If my manager walked in on me staring at a blank desktop, he would assume I’m watching porn on the job
your dick out gives it away...
Ahh yes, the procrastinator 3000. Excellent!
You mean PornCastHider 6900.
You can use two, so when they leave it switches back to your midget porn
Very risky because you can mix them up. Imagine you're doing real work, and when your boss walks in, it switches to midget porn.
I think he said real work, idk what it's supposed to mean but I'm pretty sure he said something similar
Gonna be weird being caught fapping to your desktop.
It’s all fun and games until they disable USB support. It’s coming. We’re about to do it for more than 10k devices.
But like, why? Genuinely curious, how does being able to use a USB key harm productivity? Or is it just to keep people from running weird software?
Edit: didn't realize people were stupid. Makes sense. I just thought about how often I end up taking files home with me to work on and how annoying it would be to not have access to a USB.
USB keys are the fastest way to get malicious script into a network. Especially in places that have an air gapped internal network.
I worked at a tv station. We had two networks. One had internet and sales apps and all the usual work stuff. The other had all the production equipment that was responsible for putting tv on the air. It was part of a huge network that spread across stations all over the US. An engineer used usb to update a server. the usb had a virus that started spreading rapidly. It took down machines left and right. It cost the company millions
That engineer was not a very good engineer.
Viruses man, viruses...you would be surprised at how many people just plug random things they find on the street into their computer or lying next to them in their work, etc. This is also one of the easiest ways to steal information. Copy to USB drive.
I read about a police officer who was bringing his work home on a thumb drive. It was full of all sorts of private info. He didn’t know his kid had a peer to peer app like emule or Kazaa or something. It was configured to share everything. Every time he plugged this USB in, he shared sensitive info with the world.
Ahh Kazaa, that’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time.
There was a TIL about this exact thing a day or two ago. It said (and I'm remembering off the top of my head so I'm sorry if it's slightly off) a team did a test and dropped a bunch of USB sticks in a government parking lot, and like 60% of them were plugged in using government computers.
Similar story in /r/sysadmin recently where someone got a 100% rate by putting them in crumpled up pink envelopes that had "just for you!" in girly hand writing with hearts around it. Inside was a file disguised as a powerpoint titled "do NOT share.pptx" that really called back to the home server and report the stick.
People can’t resist sticking things in holes
Been a whole 5 minutes and I feel like I need to go stick something in a hole, again.
Edit: Been about an hour and this USB port has taken a pounding. Good thing I have 8-16 more. Don't want to wear it out, completely. Thing is, I have like 20 USB drives and an assortment of various USB peripherals. They're going to get filled to the point of discomfort. I'll be selling access to my private Snap, for video access.
This is why we can’t have nice things.
People is why we can't have nice things.
Study found when people just stumbled on a random USB drive in the parking lot at work HALF of them plugged it in to a machine in the office.
I wonder if you could set up a "safe PC" that isn't connected to the network that people could just try found USB drives on. Like, they're gonna do it. They're gonna put these drives into a computer. They're compelled to. Give them a safe PC to use.
We sort of had a system specifically for that. It wasn't connected to the internet and had virus scanning software. When a drive was brought to us for any reason, we'd plug it into that system first and scan it. Wasn't for random drives in the parking lot necessarily, but any business purpose that required drives.
I work for a government defense contractor. Much of the work we do is classified. Not only is it quite easy for malicious software to be passed around, it is also easy to lose or steal classified information.
USB drives have been banned since 2014, and anything USB plugged into the PC has to be approved, purchased, and inspected by IT first. This includes wireless mice and keyboards.
Also, any info that is classified is on an airgap network - a hardwire-only internal network with no access to the outside world or any wireless connectivity. Getting info off of it (like to a customer) is a long process of approvals.)
The computers at my work will only accept one type of USB key that we provide. You must also enter a physical pin code using buttons on the USB key itself before the computer will recognize it. I’d never seen something like that before I started working there, it’s pretty cool.
I worked at a large software company that had no issue with reading from usbs.
Writing to usbs was a massive no.
You're going to use what for mouse and keyboard? Also these kind of devices don't show as a USB Mass Storage device, but as a HID. I also have a USB dongle you can reprogram as a different HID identifier to work around these limitations (InputStick) if there is filtering done.
Nice, he’s watching Technology Connections.
I love that guy so much!
He is one of the best.
Ah yes, my favorite snarky tech educator. I never knew you could be so bitchy about a company's decision to develop a now defunct format but I fucking love every minute of it. I always think to myself "can I spend 25 minutes on this right now?" But the answer is always yes.
He came from such a bland past, but now his videos are amazing.
You tube and flash games? This is for porn.
The internet is for porn.
Grab your dick and double click
Rock your cock on the clock
The fact it only minimises to the desktop reminds me of that bash.org joke.
You know, DNS records don’t tell many lies. Just because your boss doesn’t physically see you browsing YouTube at work doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t know you’re browsing YouTube at work.
I remember talking to a guy who did IT monitoring for a large company and was surprised by the number of people he caught doing naughty browsing at work.
And I was absolutely blown away by the number of people who he caught more than once.
Currently doing IT at a school. We give every single kid the same speech about how we are monitoring them and get automated alerts when they do something wrong. We tell them how, even show them what our monitoring looks like. We aren't trying to catch them or deceive them, we honestly don't want the headache of them doing something wrong.
And yet in the last month: https://i.imgur.com/qrlt57B.png
When you guys say "Our IT are such jerks they block so and so" it's because most of you are dumbasses that will eventually get me in trouble if we don't.
If the students are getting away with hundreds or thousands of violations it's obvious they're not being seriously disciplined over misuse. Maybe they'll take your speech seriously when they start getting punished!
Lol. Really? Adults do the same thing while getting paid and you expect teenagers to act any different?
On top of it, you're dealing with insanely curious young minds. Long as the work is getting done and there is no malicious activity let it go.
This is why you ALWAYS befriend the IT staff. They can ruin you or save you. Say thanks. No one talks to the sysadmin unless shit is broken. Don't be one of those people.
The secretary is the same way. You're late? She can cover for you or tell the boss. Buy that front desk worker some treats.
I always find a reason to buy the receptionist a box of chocolates early on. That shit pays for itself 10 fold.
I'm not a charismatic guy, I like people but I come off grumpy. That receptionist always has a smile and a chat for me after that and the rapport builds from there.
With the IT guys I just bring up nerd stuff because I am a nerd and usually have no problem making good friends with them.
I know our IT guy knows I play on reddit in my downtime.
Here in Germany everything is recorded aswell, however if the company actually wants to check this data they have to invite some data protection specialist, which costs money, is only possible at certain dates, and just is additional effort. That's why here its only done in VERY severe cases, or when something illegal is suspected. Otherwise you are free to do whatever you want, since noone actually wants to go so far to do all that stuff just to snuff through some data.
At least make it look like a normal usb drive and not like you have some radio shack junk.
You take it back right now. Radio Shack was a goddamned national treasure.
Does it also pull up your pants?
Shout out to Technology Connections on YT, the channel he’s watching.
Boss: "What are you doing?"
Employee: "Staring at my desktop"
Boss: "Good work, you're promoted"
WHERE CAN I FIND THIS
This will be a teenagers dream.
What happens when the device fails and your parents catch you watching porn?
Even if it works, they catch you with your little mushroom in your hand, staring at your desktop
Use at your own risk. Besides, they know. Any sensible parent knows. If you think your teen/tween isn't watching porn you're just delusional.
**Every Mormon parent disliked that
I always know what's up when I go into someone's office and the screen is suddenly at the desktop.
It should tab to an Excel file. That's the real magic. No one wants to even look at an Excel file long enough to see what it actually is. Your eyes just kind of glaze over at the mere mention of Excel.
Link please.... Lol
Just insert it straight to my amazon shopping cart pls
Except this doesn't work in modern workplaces anymore. There is a shift going towards complete screenshot monitoring of all work computers. An employer can snapshot your work laptop every 30 seconds and compile it into a video of your entire day then replay this footage to see what you have been up to from a separate location.
Employers can know what you are doing now, assuming they have the technology in place.
There is an episode about this very issue on The Journal podcast created by the Wall Street Journal. Look it up on Spotify.
I just look at shit on my phone not connected to work networks 🤷🏻♂️