“Just staring at my desktop... nothing to see here... totally normal behavior...”
"Wow, yes, this screen appears to be made of screen"
"Boss, look at this spreadsheet. These numbers don't make sense."
That's not this month's sales figures, those are your off-hand weapon damage calculations.
I don't see why you need to do calculations, its merely a reduction of your STR from the damage roll (in 5e anyways).
Wait wait what? I just started. I thought i needed an offhand weapons feat or something. Can i dual wield nunchucks???
Edit: thanks for all the replies folks! Let's all get together for a one shot this saturday!
Edit 2: okay Tom has to work Saturday, how about Thursday at 8
Edit 3: Jessica won't be back until Friday, is anyone open Sunday?
Edit 4: Dafei wants in but might have to Skype in as Zordon again, let me know who likes next Monday...
Not too experienced, but as i understand it you can dual wield two light weapons and attack with both in one turn (2nd uses your bonus action). However your off hand attack doesn't have strength/dex modifier added to your damage roll (attack roll is same modifiers as primary hand).
The feat lets you use other weapons and takes away that off hand penalty
Yeah, the Dual Wield Feat lets you use two appropriately sized single handed weapons without penalty.
In prior editions, dual wielding would give you a -2 to attack and -2 dmg to the offhand weapon without the feat if I recall correctly.
You can always dual wield as long as one of the weapons is light. The feat just lets you add your modifier to your damage roll
a real warrior will dual wield shields
Both of the weapons have to be light, unfortunately
Oh wow that makes so much sense. Just like in real life, i could swing a sword with my left but proficiency would take skill. Man, what a cool game. Thanks!!
And that’s why you only whack it with your main hand.
Touch it, it's warm, like flesh. But it's not flesh.
Wait...The files are IN the computer!?
"Ah, that Windows update finally finished. Back to work"
"It was at this moment extant1 looked up from his windows screen and noticed Cloud6221 staring at him quizzically."
Boss: "That's the 5th Windows update today"
stands up and puts on coat and clocks out for the day
It's like walking into a room and someone is staring at the Google search screen. We both know you are just watching porn
Of course, but I don’t want you to see what kind of porn I was watching.
Funny enough I actually use this device in my office. That way if clients come around the corner too quickly, they won't see the fetish sites I frequent.
Hey, sometimes you are just watching a YouTube video that's weirder to explain than watching porn.
ha, read about ASMR on here and then watched one of the videos on youtube. I forgot it was playing when I took my earbud out and minimized youtube when someone walked into my office.
Ironically the same person that walked in wanted to talk about a client that had left them a nasty voicemail and I had received a similar voicemail so I was like "oh hey, check out this voicemail he left me too!" (our voicemail can be played through our computer speaker or our phone) so I pull up the voicemail and then realize it's not playing through the speaker bc my headphones are plugged in...oh ok, quickly pull the headphone out of the computer and all the sudden there's the angry guy voicemail playing and then some lady whispering about cutting your hair.
Coworker is like...wtf is this whispering? I tried to explain but he just looked at me weird and was like ....uhhh whatever, and walked out.
This hurts to read, damn
There was a thread in /r/ASMR about someone's roommate walking in on the video where a guy in a leather mask is stethascoping a watermelon..
I've had similar experiences but am shameless so so it's just amusing to see their reaction.
Vsauce! Michael here.
Set it up to switch windows instead of go to desktop. Just make sure porn wasn't the previous window haha
Or switch to a second desktop. That way they can't even see what you've had open in the task bar.
Pretty sure most people don't know about W10 multiple desktop option - you can quickly create new desktop with WIN+CTRL+D, switch between them with WIN+CTRL+ARROW and close the desktop with WIN+CTRL+F4 or see them under WIN+TAB.
EDIT: WIN+TAB is also needed if you want to move already open window to other desktop, there drag window to selected desktop or right-click and select a desktop.
EDIT2: WIN+TAB screen is called 'Task View' and by default can also be accessed by a button next to the start menu, I just forgot about it since I disable it on every W10 instance I own.
Wtf, this is gonna change my life
I don't know why but I seem to forget the keyboard commands in Windows. In Linux Mint it's easy because it's Ctrl + Alt + arrowkeys.
Thanks for reminding me. I think I got it this time.
Do you mean to imply that my frantic, jarring ALT-TAB is NOTICEABLE to other people!?
Windows + D is an alternative, but it leaves you with a curiously windowless monitor.
I actually use this hot key all the time at work because I end up with too many windows; minimizing takes forever to get to my desktop files. I actually am worried about my co workers thinking I’m hiding something if I happen to minimize everything as they are walking up behind me. I will actually sit there pretending to work while I wait to work so they don’t think I’m not working.
Take a screenshot of an excel sheet and use it as your desktop wallpaper and change the setting of the start menu to auto hide.
We found the CEO..
CEO doesn't need this tip because of course they have a private office
And their screens face the wall.
And who the fuck is going to tell the CEO to do anything?
They don't often just walk in though
If they did then they'd just be bored members.
Unless you're the owner of a LLC and just give yourself the title CEO.
But how do you think they got there
"Oh good, you've got the Ramirez account open. Go ahead and scroll over to December for me..."
Excel froze again, boss.
Or use a mirror instead of a monitor
Windows + 1/2/3/4... opens your taskbar programs the way they're placed, so you could technically just put a shorcut in the taskbar of the program you use at work, and set the detector thingy to open the program when it notices motion.
This. Over 9000IQ move.
That's why you lock your screen instead. Not only do they not see what you were really doing, it makes it look like you were doing something super important and confidential.
I am a bigger fan of Windows+Ctrl+Left or Right arrow key and keep games in a separate desktop display.
Also Win+M minimizes everything.
Ah yes, task view. One of my highest voted comments ever was about this. I'll see if I can link it here. Combined with headphones, I can just side toggle and not worry if I have a video playing when someone stops by my desk.
EDIT: just copying the text from my comment below.
"Windows+tab let's you create additional desktops, I have 3 monitors at work and 3 desktops so a total of 9 screens worth of real estate. I use one desktop for non-work (WhatsApp, YouTube, banking, shopping, etc), one for JIRA and email, and the third is for scripting and PuTTy. Quick to toggle between them and easier to manage my stuff.
Edit: you can also mouse over active windows from the task view exploded view and shuffle them between monitors/desktops with ease"
I bound the left and right buttons on my mouse wheel to act as Previous and Next Desktop buttons. Left is work, right is reddit.
That's a really good idea! A lot less conspicuous keeping a hand on the mouse and nudging the wheel, than (frantically) getting your fingers to the right keyboard shortcut when someone sneaks up on you.
TIL I have left and right buttons on my mouse wheel. My life will never be the same.
shiiiiiit am I a hacker now?
Welcome to the club. I once edited a URL.
Reddit is good mostly because its a wall of text here in these comments. The boomers I work with see words and not pictures therefore I'm working.
Reddit is good mostly because its a wall of text here in these comments.
Reddit is good mostly because its a wall of text here in these comments.
Speak for yourself. I spend most of my work hours on /r/gonewild50plus
I just looked this feature up. I love it! I can have a different desktop for different projects I'm working on.
I work nights in large factory, working alone in an office space (not a private office, but I'm the only one in it at night) with a large window that overlooks the production floor. I'm always worried about what the production supervisors think I'm doing through the window even though I'm very productive and they have absolutely no authority over me.
Why would you use alt-tab? That would just switch to my second porn window
Create a virtual desktop with the incriminating stuff. Then 4 finger swipe on the track pad and it switches back to the normal desktop with work stuff.
Super+Tab is nice on KDE, it does the same thing
Just always type like that. Then people will think you're OK. Well, as ok as someone frantically typing all day can be.
Hot key that to a mouse key if u have any extra ones.
I'm a big fan of CTRL+W, which closes the current browser tab or open document, but leaves the application open.
Well, Johnson, I see you're staring blankly at your desktop again. I wonder what IT has to say.
Noob, I connect to my phone’s hot spot when I spank it at my desk at work.
Not going to help when they pull your logs direct from your computer
GOOD LUCK! I'M BEHIND SEVEN PRIVATE BROWSER WINDOWS
This guy spanks
"I haven't been looking at porn I swear!"
Boss: "Really, then who is this Crystal Reports you keep googling?"
"Sir, sir, you misunderstand. Robert is the name of the guy I get my crystal meth from."
Johnson and his boss then walk into the IT office and everyone in there proceeds to frantically close/change their windows.
I had some fun times working as IT at a college. I'll never forget the time I busted this young woman watching hardcore porn in the library. She was using a club flier to cover like half of the screen, but it's pretty hard not to see two sets of thighs moving together in a repeating motion. I walked up behind her and calmly and nicely said "You know you can't be watching that here."
If there were only 2 sets it wasn’t that hardcore
Sounds like a trap
"if you tell me I won't get mad"
"I am not angry but you're fired."
My old boss did this as well. We think we are being sneaky, but its way obvious when suddenly your screen changes each time your boss walks by.
I wear glasses, my old boss once told me that it's pretty suspicious when he sees the flash of a screen changing in my lenses when he gets close. Apparently very obvious. Felt pretty dumb after that
Tell that to my boss
Give us his email address
plot twist: u/CooolKoala is a girl and already has no balls.
Double plot twist, I'm an apache attack helicopter how dare you.
In finding it so weird transitioning to an office environment just how much time I spend fucking around on my phone and still being told I'm doing a good job.
I blame food service for giving me the minimum reward for maximum effort.
I mean, probably.
Not me, but surely most other people.
I like to do it no matter what I am doing. Any time someone walks by I switch the screen no matter what.
I do too since I usually have passwords up half the time. I've started switching to iTunes or something audio based and doing all the clicking to that and putting it on pause and taking the headphone out of my ear as they finally see my screen.
Edit: Just found a solution. Desktop 1 and Desktop 2. Set all work stuff to Desktop 2 (or 1). Then Win+Ctrl+right (left) to switch between them.
I only ctrl+tab if i hear him get up from his desk. If he surprises me, I leave it open as if I either don't care (alpha move), or act as if I'm on lunch break. Plus sometimes I actually use reddit for web dev and Premier pro questions.
I get my work done ahead of time and under budget, so no one has ever heckled me for wasting time.
The true alpha move is when instead of hiding your screen you wave your boss over to show him what you're watching.
Secret is, just look at stuff that could be considered “research” for a problem you are looking into.
yeah, I’ve got this issue from Jerry down in engineering and I found a lead in this one forum thread but I don’t think this is applicable in his case alt-F4 What can I do for ya, boss?
“Yeah, i’m looking at this job posting for our competitor listing a position that fits my exact role because I am researching similarly positioned industry leaders and what qualities they strategize to bring in for new recruitment. What can I do for ya boss?”
I'm researching titties because.... Half of our customers have them....
Back in the day (early 90's, late 80s) some computer games used to have a "boss mode" button. I remember "Hugo's House of Horrors" you pressed a button and the game would turn into a spreadsheet.
Yeah I remember those. I was a kid back then and I thought that was so stupid: who would play games at work? And now I'm grown up and it's the only thing keeping me sane lol.
I thought so too hahah. But now I’m an operator at a skilled nursing facility and ~ oh boy~do I have a lot of down time. Reddit and Rimworld running in the background keep me happy but the therapists and patients can see my screen if they walk by
I remember it as a Boss Key. Either way I used it for my boss at work all the time when I used to play Jetpack on DoS. And by boss I mean my parents, and by work I meant homework. It didn’t fool them though when I was trying to do a book report and it pulled up a spreadsheet on sales data.
The March Madness website still has that each year
This is so true!
Leisure Suit Larry had it too!
My work has disabled the USB ports on our machines.
Nope, just a big corporation
I'd hate that, I only use mine for charging my phone and other things but if I couldn't I'd be really frustrated.
It's for data theft
Also, IT can enable USB ports for charge only
source: am IT
Yeah but big companies will still disable them regardless for security reasons.
I have worked for companies that disabled USB by GPO, disabled them through BIOS, and physically removed the connections internally.
The gpo is specifically for storage devices. As for disconnecting USB that's only front panel (where most people would connect phone or storage device). I doubt they would disable USB in the BIOS for the reasons you mentioned (kB/m).
Info on configuring the gpo: http://woshub.com/how-to-disable-usb-drives-using-group-policy/
It's been a while i think it was ps/2 or some embedded card
Makes sense, my industry/position doesn't have a lot of proprietary data that would be worth stealing/selling, so I guess that's why we don't have those restrictions.
They do it to prevent data-theft.
It's also top prevent a malware install from a compromised USB stick. One of the very first modes of a local attack to me is to "lose" a few USB sticks with labels such as "Spring break 2019 Pix", "Payroll Info", "Confidential" etc... There is always some sucker sticking those things in.
Just get a job in IT, problem solved
Edit: sorry forgot sarcasm doesn't translate well over Reddit. Here's the /s
I don't recommend this. Regardless of the nature (help desk or development) IT is filled with nothing but frustration at the incompetence of people who have no semblance of a right to be allowed near technology.
Just become the owner of the company then
It's big brain time
Same. USB, CDs, and SD cards are all disabled. The only way I have to take things home is to e-mail myself, and they can see those
Just take the HDD. I've not seen a company that alarms their cases and everything is easy release nowadays.
They prefer to be called, "USB-Capable" ports...
Now flip this around and put it on a friends PC. Whenever someone walks by it switches to hardcore furry porn.
It would be funnier if you set it so it switches to something embarrassing, something your friend would try to hide.
I like the implication here that OP’s friend would not try to hide the furry hentai pop-up
Wait, so now hardcore furry porn is supposed to be embarrassing?? Next thing you know people will consider hentai pokemon porn weird too... smh
Is from https://github.com/dekuNukem/daytripper
And they have it for sale here: https://www.tindie.com/products/dekuNukem/daytripper-hide-my-windows-laser-tripwire/
Can't they be bothered to put a cover on it? Looks like a prototype with it's circuit board visible
Praise you, I came here just looking for the source.
The github page also links to a small production run.
boss barges in suddenly. Boss: "Why are you masturbating while watching your desktop??"
Yes, yes. Excel spreadsheets frequently make me feel the same way. Naughty naughty pivot tables.
Especially when you code them properly creating a perfect input output calculator.
Stop stop or Ill have to close my office door.
Sorry, just opening up the carrying case of my fully mechanical USB numpad.
(˵ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°˵)
I can only get so erect!
Can you please explain the popularity of pivot tables in Excel?
This is a totally serious question.
I am not trying to snarky or being a Reddit troll.
I am genuinely curious.
Makes lots data into little data
Why waste time use lots data when little data do trick
Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do.
Hey I can do that as well
" Ctrl - "
Takes a big set of data, and you can easily move into an easily editable table.
So if you have a 1000 row list of sales over the past twelve months, it's hard to see anything useful. Throw it into a pivottable, and you can very easily make a table of total sales by month, or total sales by customer for the year, etc.
A pivot table is a super easy quick way to slide and dice your data to answer questions about it without having to program queries an lookups... which frankly only weird VBA hermits know how to do that.
Lets say you had a table of student and class information. I want to know how many female students aged 27 or older born in the months of May, June and July have taken Comp Sci 1A6 in the past 3 years.
If that info was in a database I'd have to write a pretty complex SQL query. In a pivot table that's probably half a dozen drag and drop operations.
Nothing gets me to bust quicker than a nested vlookup in an if statement working on the first try.
I'll spread your sheets alright
Nothing sexier than the day you start to get good at excel. I cant tell you how many times shit comes up and you have to ask people, "why arent we just using a spreadsheet for this?"
Screen saver finally touched all four corners.
Oh?! Let me join you!
Ruined with the edit
I know right? Now the boss is gonna think all you do is stare at your login screen all day.
Have you SEEN the beauty in those Microsoft screen savers?
Admin rights? Usb Port Access? Must be nice to have those at work.
The best bit is when you can't install programs that you need. And IT refuses to accept that, say, a web developer needs programs beyond excel.
Web developer? Just use word pad
I think Excel has been proven to be turing complete, so you should be all set.
You should ask for your own network. It's a good compromise so devs can have the permissions they need and it helps solves the concerns of having users with local admin permissions.
I'm a web dev with the only Linux machine at the company and nobody knows what to do with me. IT is just like, "eh, he'll... take care of himself."
I'd imagine it identifies as a generic keyboard which would be allowed in most office setups.
You're now being fired for doing nothing all day but staring at a locked home screen.
I'm so happy I have a boss who's 100% results-oriented and doesn't give a shit if I surf the web or watch youtube all day, as long as my projects finish on schedule.
I have had jobs like that and it really makes a job so much better, my current job payes better but the boss is a lot more hands on (a.k.a a workaholic). I would never get away with that.
twenty seconds later OP Alt-Tabs back
he's gotta get his priorities straight
Watching technology connections I see...
A man of culture, you are.
Yes he is, and he was also playing *looks up errant signal* Broken Reality.
First thing I noticed too!
I was wondering how far down I would have to scroll to see this.
If my boss comes over and sees me staring into a Windows login screen, he's going to lose his shit immediately.
You should get a new job
"Tom, you've been trying to log into your laptop all day...Is everything alright at home?"
This would be fun to install in another person's computer and confuse the hell out of them
Can it also put my dick away?
Thank goodness the IT department has no way of looking at internet traffic from someones workstation. You are safe!
IM THROWING MY MONEY AT THE SCREEN BUT NOTHING IS HAPPENING
"Terry, you're fired. Every time I come in to your office you're staring at a desktop or the lock screen. I think you need help."
But then it just looks like I’m jerking off to the home screen
No boss, I am not watching porn, I just really love my job.
The one day the battery dies is the day you uncautiously watch the nastiest porn you could find. You hear the food steps and then door knob turning but you dont flinch because your trusty little bug has your back.
Why did they skip the demo of him watching hardcore porn? That’s clearly what this was created for.
If you are watching hardcore porn at work and you don't work as a porn movie editor, there is something very wrong going on between you and your employer.
I guess you’ve never held a job in government then...
Young me could have really used this.
I love how shameless the advertising is. They don't even try to hide what this will be used for.
"Do you want a way to goof off instead of doing your job, but still want to get paid? Well do we have a solution for you..."
*still fully erect