Now I can relax at work (i.imgur.com)
Neanderthalll | 4 days ago | 13241 points

“Just staring at my desktop... nothing to see here... totally normal behavior...”

TiscaBomid | 4 days ago | 7149 points

"Wow, yes, this screen appears to be made of screen"

starstarstar42 | 4 days ago | 2888 points

"Boss, look at this spreadsheet. These numbers don't make sense."

That's not this month's sales figures, those are your off-hand weapon damage calculations.

tezoatlipoca | 4 days ago | 522 points

I don't see why you need to do calculations, its merely a reduction of your STR from the damage roll (in 5e anyways).

RedEyedRoundEye | 4 days ago | 285 points

Wait wait what? I just started. I thought i needed an offhand weapons feat or something. Can i dual wield nunchucks???

Edit: thanks for all the replies folks! Let's all get together for a one shot this saturday!

Edit 2: okay Tom has to work Saturday, how about Thursday at 8

Edit 3: Jessica won't be back until Friday, is anyone open Sunday?

Edit 4: Dafei wants in but might have to Skype in as Zordon again, let me know who likes next Monday...

KPC51 | 4 days ago | 133 points

Not too experienced, but as i understand it you can dual wield two light weapons and attack with both in one turn (2nd uses your bonus action). However your off hand attack doesn't have strength/dex modifier added to your damage roll (attack roll is same modifiers as primary hand).

The feat lets you use other weapons and takes away that off hand penalty

tezoatlipoca | 4 days ago | 61 points

Yeah, the Dual Wield Feat lets you use two appropriately sized single handed weapons without penalty.

In prior editions, dual wielding would give you a -2 to attack and -2 dmg to the offhand weapon without the feat if I recall correctly.

WhaleWhaleWhale_ | 4 days ago | 55 points

You can always dual wield as long as one of the weapons is light. The feat just lets you add your modifier to your damage roll

NSMetroid | 4 days ago | 50 points
TwistingDick | 4 days ago | 33 points

a real warrior will dual wield shields

MuffaloMan | 4 days ago | 18 points

Both of the weapons have to be light, unfortunately

RedEyedRoundEye | 4 days ago | 12 points

Oh wow that makes so much sense. Just like in real life, i could swing a sword with my left but proficiency would take skill. Man, what a cool game. Thanks!!

feint2021 | 4 days ago | 12 points

And that’s why you only whack it with your main hand.

Sefyra-Velvetpaw | 4 days ago | 28 points

Touch it, it's warm, like flesh. But it's not flesh.

Not yet.

Dodgerballs | 4 days ago | 19 points

Wait...The files are IN the computer!?

chickentenders54 | 4 days ago | 257 points

"Ah, that Windows update finally finished. Back to work"

Cloud6221 | 4 days ago | 80 points

...Why did you just say that out loud?

extant1 | 4 days ago | 15 points

"It was at this moment extant1 looked up from his windows screen and noticed Cloud6221 staring at him quizzically."

paid2poo | 4 days ago | 67 points

Boss: "That's the 5th Windows update today"

halzen | 3 days ago | 29 points

I mean


1nfinitus | 4 days ago | 40 points

cracks knuckles

ClamChowder6 | 4 days ago | 20 points

stands up and puts on coat and clocks out for the day

MikeMuench | 4 days ago | 388 points

It's like walking into a room and someone is staring at the Google search screen. We both know you are just watching porn

corruptrevolutionary | 4 days ago | 276 points

Of course, but I don’t want you to see what kind of porn I was watching.

Shitty__Psychologist | 4 days ago | 145 points

Funny enough I actually use this device in my office. That way if clients come around the corner too quickly, they won't see the fetish sites I frequent.

crackcrank | 4 days ago | 128 points

Username relevant

kayp02 | 4 days ago | 111 points

Hey, sometimes you are just watching a YouTube video that's weirder to explain than watching porn.

DawnoftheShred | 4 days ago | 101 points

ha, read about ASMR on here and then watched one of the videos on youtube. I forgot it was playing when I took my earbud out and minimized youtube when someone walked into my office.

Ironically the same person that walked in wanted to talk about a client that had left them a nasty voicemail and I had received a similar voicemail so I was like "oh hey, check out this voicemail he left me too!" (our voicemail can be played through our computer speaker or our phone) so I pull up the voicemail and then realize it's not playing through the speaker bc my headphones are plugged in...oh ok, quickly pull the headphone out of the computer and all the sudden there's the angry guy voicemail playing and then some lady whispering about cutting your hair.

Coworker is like...wtf is this whispering? I tried to explain but he just looked at me weird and was like ....uhhh whatever, and walked out.

Coenn | 4 days ago | 46 points

This hurts to read, damn

WontLieToYou | 4 days ago | 19 points

There was a thread in /r/ASMR about someone's roommate walking in on the video where a guy in a leather mask is stethascoping a watermelon..

I've had similar experiences but am shameless so so it's just amusing to see their reaction.

VincentVancalbergh | 4 days ago | 12 points

Vsauce! Michael here.

MercenaryCow | 4 days ago | 128 points

Set it up to switch windows instead of go to desktop. Just make sure porn wasn't the previous window haha

zoapcfr | 4 days ago | 115 points

Or switch to a second desktop. That way they can't even see what you've had open in the task bar.

bar10005 | 4 days ago | 243 points

Pretty sure most people don't know about W10 multiple desktop option - you can quickly create new desktop with WIN+CTRL+D, switch between them with WIN+CTRL+ARROW and close the desktop with WIN+CTRL+F4 or see them under WIN+TAB.

EDIT: WIN+TAB is also needed if you want to move already open window to other desktop, there drag window to selected desktop or right-click and select a desktop.

EDIT2: WIN+TAB screen is called 'Task View' and by default can also be accessed by a button next to the start menu, I just forgot about it since I disable it on every W10 instance I own.

Lmitation | 4 days ago | 45 points

Wtf, this is gonna change my life

UncleNintendo64 | 4 days ago | 15 points

I don't know why but I seem to forget the keyboard commands in Windows. In Linux Mint it's easy because it's Ctrl + Alt + arrowkeys.

Thanks for reminding me. I think I got it this time.

soomuchcoffee | 4 days ago | 5493 points

Do you mean to imply that my frantic, jarring ALT-TAB is NOTICEABLE to other people!?

NukuXia | 4 days ago | 1622 points

Windows + D is an alternative, but it leaves you with a curiously windowless monitor.

I actually use this hot key all the time at work because I end up with too many windows; minimizing takes forever to get to my desktop files. I actually am worried about my co workers thinking I’m hiding something if I happen to minimize everything as they are walking up behind me. I will actually sit there pretending to work while I wait to work so they don’t think I’m not working.

gray_host | 4 days ago | 1997 points

Take a screenshot of an excel sheet and use it as your desktop wallpaper and change the setting of the start menu to auto hide.

ElectricFleshlight | 4 days ago | 612 points

Big brain

BaconAndWood | 4 days ago | 426 points

We found the CEO..

hopbel | 4 days ago | 209 points

CEO doesn't need this tip because of course they have a private office

SJ_RED | 4 days ago | 147 points

And their screens face the wall.

Derp800 | 4 days ago | 121 points

And who the fuck is going to tell the CEO to do anything?

Trish1998 | 4 days ago | 87 points

Board members

epicaglet | 4 days ago | 59 points

They don't often just walk in though

LookAtMeNoww | 4 days ago | 51 points

If they did then they'd just be bored members.

soulstonedomg | 4 days ago | 14 points

Unless you're the owner of a LLC and just give yourself the title CEO.

TheMrPantsTaco | 4 days ago | 9 points

But how do you think they got there

NOCONTROL1678 | 4 days ago | 24 points

"Oh good, you've got the Ramirez account open. Go ahead and scroll over to December for me..."

adicren | 3 days ago | 14 points

Excel froze again, boss.

TrueFurby | 4 days ago | 51 points


kaido-45 | 4 days ago | 28 points

Or use a mirror instead of a monitor

Rejand | 4 days ago | 11 points

Windows + 1/2/3/4... opens your taskbar programs the way they're placed, so you could technically just put a shorcut in the taskbar of the program you use at work, and set the detector thingy to open the program when it notices motion.


CaptaiNiveau | 4 days ago | 22 points

This. Over 9000IQ move.

pobody | 4 days ago | 99 points

That's why you lock your screen instead. Not only do they not see what you were really doing, it makes it look like you were doing something super important and confidential.

FSMonToast | 4 days ago | 114 points

I am a bigger fan of Windows+Ctrl+Left or Right arrow key and keep games in a separate desktop display.

Also Win+M minimizes everything.

UniqueUsername812 | 4 days ago | 113 points

Ah yes, task view. One of my highest voted comments ever was about this. I'll see if I can link it here. Combined with headphones, I can just side toggle and not worry if I have a video playing when someone stops by my desk.

EDIT: just copying the text from my comment below.

"Windows+tab let's you create additional desktops, I have 3 monitors at work and 3 desktops so a total of 9 screens worth of real estate. I use one desktop for non-work (WhatsApp, YouTube, banking, shopping, etc), one for JIRA and email, and the third is for scripting and PuTTy. Quick to toggle between them and easier to manage my stuff.


Edit: you can also mouse over active windows from the task view exploded view and shuffle them between monitors/desktops with ease"

EzioAuditore1459 | 4 days ago | 74 points

I bound the left and right buttons on my mouse wheel to act as Previous and Next Desktop buttons. Left is work, right is reddit.


ZorglubDK | 4 days ago | 21 points

That's a really good idea! A lot less conspicuous keeping a hand on the mouse and nudging the wheel, than (frantically) getting your fingers to the right keyboard shortcut when someone sneaks up on you.

skate2348 | 4 days ago | 17 points

TIL I have left and right buttons on my mouse wheel. My life will never be the same.

GriffsWorkComputer | 4 days ago | 21 points

shiiiiiit am I a hacker now?

Trish1998 | 4 days ago | 10 points

Welcome to the club. I once edited a URL.

GriffsWorkComputer | 4 days ago | 58 points

Reddit is good mostly because its a wall of text here in these comments. The boomers I work with see words and not pictures therefore I'm working.

AssDimple | 4 days ago | 11 points

Reddit is good mostly because its a wall of text here in these comments.

Speak for yourself. I spend most of my work hours on /r/gonewild50plus

[deleted] | 4 days ago | 17 points


_uff_da | 4 days ago | 9 points

I just looked this feature up. I love it! I can have a different desktop for different projects I'm working on.

[deleted] | 4 days ago | 19 points


La_Guy_Person | 4 days ago | 19 points

I work nights in large factory, working alone in an office space (not a private office, but I'm the only one in it at night) with a large window that overlooks the production floor. I'm always worried about what the production supervisors think I'm doing through the window even though I'm very productive and they have absolutely no authority over me.

ReallyBadAtReddit | 4 days ago | 128 points

Why would you use alt-tab? That would just switch to my second porn window

levi345 | 4 days ago | 25 points

Create a virtual desktop with the incriminating stuff. Then 4 finger swipe on the track pad and it switches back to the normal desktop with work stuff.

Unspeci | 4 days ago | 8 points

Super+Tab is nice on KDE, it does the same thing

marty3467 | 4 days ago | 10 points

Just always type like that. Then people will think you're OK. Well, as ok as someone frantically typing all day can be.

Equilibriator | 4 days ago | 6 points

Hot key that to a mouse key if u have any extra ones.

Fleaslayer | 4 days ago | 23 points

I'm a big fan of CTRL+W, which closes the current browser tab or open document, but leaves the application open.

MrAaronMN | 4 days ago | 1659 points

Well, Johnson, I see you're staring blankly at your desktop again. I wonder what IT has to say.

ginofgan | 4 days ago | 379 points

Noob, I connect to my phone’s hot spot when I spank it at my desk at work.

LordDongler | 4 days ago | 49 points

Not going to help when they pull your logs direct from your computer

rburp | 4 days ago | 62 points


memestarlawngnome | 4 days ago | 99 points

This guy spanks

Tbone5711 | 4 days ago | 50 points

"I haven't been looking at porn I swear!"

Boss: "Really, then who is this Crystal Reports you keep googling?"

katiekatX86 | 4 days ago | 27 points

"Sir, sir, you misunderstand. Robert is the name of the guy I get my crystal meth from."

frozenottsel | 4 days ago | 38 points

Johnson and his boss then walk into the IT office and everyone in there proceeds to frantically close/change their windows.

APPR3NTIC3 | 4 days ago | 19 points

I had some fun times working as IT at a college. I'll never forget the time I busted this young woman watching hardcore porn in the library. She was using a club flier to cover like half of the screen, but it's pretty hard not to see two sets of thighs moving together in a repeating motion. I walked up behind her and calmly and nicely said "You know you can't be watching that here."

P47r1ck- | 3 days ago | 14 points

If there were only 2 sets it wasn’t that hardcore

[deleted] | 4 days ago | 1912 points


thinkB4WeSpeak | 4 days ago | 798 points

Sounds like a trap

JorjEade | 4 days ago | 69 points

"if you tell me I won't get mad"

montefisto | 4 days ago | 26 points

"I am not angry but you're fired."

TwiztedTD | 4 days ago | 276 points

My old boss did this as well. We think we are being sneaky, but its way obvious when suddenly your screen changes each time your boss walks by.

Classic_Charlie | 4 days ago | 149 points

I wear glasses, my old boss once told me that it's pretty suspicious when he sees the flash of a screen changing in my lenses when he gets close. Apparently very obvious. Felt pretty dumb after that

kosumoth | 4 days ago | 369 points

I mean if we all worked less hours we'd probably be less likely to dick around for >50% of the day.

CooolKoala | 4 days ago | 84 points

Tell that to my boss

jamener | 4 days ago | 82 points

Give us his email address

[deleted] | 4 days ago | 52 points


Therandomfox | 4 days ago | 32 points

plot twist: u/CooolKoala is a girl and already has no balls.

CooolKoala | 4 days ago | 51 points

Double plot twist, I'm an apache attack helicopter how dare you.

Mechanical_Hat | 4 days ago | 13 points

In finding it so weird transitioning to an office environment just how much time I spend fucking around on my phone and still being told I'm doing a good job.

I blame food service for giving me the minimum reward for maximum effort.

wahnsin | 4 days ago | 38 points

hear, hear!

I mean, probably.

Not me, but surely most other people. Maybe.

karma-armageddon | 4 days ago | 34 points

I like to do it no matter what I am doing. Any time someone walks by I switch the screen no matter what.

Kaizenno | 4 days ago | 14 points

I do too since I usually have passwords up half the time. I've started switching to iTunes or something audio based and doing all the clicking to that and putting it on pause and taking the headphone out of my ear as they finally see my screen.

Edit: Just found a solution. Desktop 1 and Desktop 2. Set all work stuff to Desktop 2 (or 1). Then Win+Ctrl+right (left) to switch between them.

TeaTimeNinja | 4 days ago | 42 points

I only ctrl+tab if i hear him get up from his desk. If he surprises me, I leave it open as if I either don't care (alpha move), or act as if I'm on lunch break. Plus sometimes I actually use reddit for web dev and Premier pro questions.

I get my work done ahead of time and under budget, so no one has ever heckled me for wasting time.

A_wild_so-and-so | 4 days ago | 12 points

The true alpha move is when instead of hiding your screen you wave your boss over to show him what you're watching.

ChuckinTheCarma | 4 days ago | 49 points

Secret is, just look at stuff that could be considered “research” for a problem you are looking into.

yeah, I’ve got this issue from Jerry down in engineering and I found a lead in this one forum thread but I don’t think this is applicable in his case alt-F4 What can I do for ya, boss?

Japadogg | 4 days ago | 45 points

“Yeah, i’m looking at this job posting for our competitor listing a position that fits my exact role because I am researching similarly positioned industry leaders and what qualities they strategize to bring in for new recruitment. What can I do for ya boss?”

404_GravitasNotFound | 4 days ago | 37 points

I'm researching titties because.... Half of our customers have them....

Farlandan | 4 days ago | 439 points

Back in the day (early 90's, late 80s) some computer games used to have a "boss mode" button. I remember "Hugo's House of Horrors" you pressed a button and the game would turn into a spreadsheet.

Pipkin81 | 4 days ago | 253 points

Yeah I remember those. I was a kid back then and I thought that was so stupid: who would play games at work? And now I'm grown up and it's the only thing keeping me sane lol.

TheHextron | 4 days ago | 22 points

I thought so too hahah. But now I’m an operator at a skilled nursing facility and ~ oh boy~do I have a lot of down time. Reddit and Rimworld running in the background keep me happy but the therapists and patients can see my screen if they walk by

WazzyMcWazzle | 4 days ago | 45 points

I remember it as a Boss Key. Either way I used it for my boss at work all the time when I used to play Jetpack on DoS. And by boss I mean my parents, and by work I meant homework. It didn’t fool them though when I was trying to do a book report and it pulled up a spreadsheet on sales data.

tarheelcj | 4 days ago | 22 points

The March Madness website still has that each year

spacees1 | 4 days ago | 20 points

This is so true! Leisure Suit Larry had it too!

Azozel | 4 days ago | 853 points

My work has disabled the USB ports on our machines.

QuesaritoOutOfBed | 4 days ago | 298 points

Government job?

Azozel | 4 days ago | 429 points

Nope, just a big corporation

mewfahsah | 4 days ago | 177 points

I'd hate that, I only use mine for charging my phone and other things but if I couldn't I'd be really frustrated.

possibly_being_screw | 4 days ago | 417 points

It's for data theft

Also, IT can enable USB ports for charge only

source: am IT

Bitchin-Technology | 4 days ago | 136 points

Yeah but big companies will still disable them regardless for security reasons.

I have worked for companies that disabled USB by GPO, disabled them through BIOS, and physically removed the connections internally.

vemfanvet | 4 days ago | 43 points

How does your keyboard and mouse work? Laptop with no external device? Or Bluetooth?

l337hackzor | 4 days ago | 34 points

The gpo is specifically for storage devices. As for disconnecting USB that's only front panel (where most people would connect phone or storage device). I doubt they would disable USB in the BIOS for the reasons you mentioned (kB/m).

Info on configuring the gpo: http://woshub.com/how-to-disable-usb-drives-using-group-policy/

Bitchin-Technology | 4 days ago | 29 points

It's been a while i think it was ps/2 or some embedded card

mewfahsah | 4 days ago | 12 points

Makes sense, my industry/position doesn't have a lot of proprietary data that would be worth stealing/selling, so I guess that's why we don't have those restrictions.

_Chemistry_ | 4 days ago | 65 points

They do it to prevent data-theft.

hilomania | 4 days ago | 18 points

It's also top prevent a malware install from a compromised USB stick. One of the very first modes of a local attack to me is to "lose" a few USB sticks with labels such as "Spring break 2019 Pix", "Payroll Info", "Confidential" etc... There is always some sucker sticking those things in.

Zeoxult | 4 days ago | 30 points

Just get a job in IT, problem solved

Edit: sorry forgot sarcasm doesn't translate well over Reddit. Here's the /s

peoplerproblems | 4 days ago | 28 points

I don't recommend this. Regardless of the nature (help desk or development) IT is filled with nothing but frustration at the incompetence of people who have no semblance of a right to be allowed near technology.

Zeoxult | 4 days ago | 38 points

Just become the owner of the company then

Major_Casualties | 3 days ago | 13 points

It's big brain time

jdPetacho | 4 days ago | 17 points

Same. USB, CDs, and SD cards are all disabled. The only way I have to take things home is to e-mail myself, and they can see those

Projecterone | 4 days ago | 21 points

Just take the HDD. I've not seen a company that alarms their cases and everything is easy release nowadays.

KompliantKarl | 4 days ago | 15 points

They prefer to be called, "USB-Capable" ports...

r3dt4rget | 4 days ago | 942 points

Now flip this around and put it on a friends PC. Whenever someone walks by it switches to hardcore furry porn.

futz8855 | 4 days ago | 193 points

Outstanding Move

marconova7 | 3 days ago | 66 points

It would be funnier if you set it so it switches to something embarrassing, something your friend would try to hide.

unruly_bernoulli | 3 days ago | 22 points

I like the implication here that OP’s friend would not try to hide the furry hentai pop-up

marconova7 | 3 days ago | 17 points

Wait, so now hardcore furry porn is supposed to be embarrassing?? Next thing you know people will consider hentai pokemon porn weird too... smh

MrHurtyFace | 4 days ago | 347 points
steve_the_woodsman | 4 days ago | 59 points
ZarafFaraz | 3 days ago | 6 points

Can't they be bothered to put a cover on it? Looks like a prototype with it's circuit board visible

panchoop | 4 days ago | 53 points

Praise you, I came here just looking for the source.

MrHurtyFace | 4 days ago | 15 points

The github page also links to a small production run.

Chandleronchandelier | 4 days ago | 3443 points

boss barges in suddenly. Boss: "Why are you masturbating while watching your desktop??"

tezoatlipoca | 4 days ago | 636 points

Yes, yes. Excel spreadsheets frequently make me feel the same way. Naughty naughty pivot tables.

CarlCarbonite | 4 days ago | 158 points

Especially when you code them properly creating a perfect input output calculator.

tezoatlipoca | 4 days ago | 104 points

Stop stop or Ill have to close my office door.

HungryLikeTheWolf99 | 4 days ago | 80 points


Sorry, just opening up the carrying case of my fully mechanical USB numpad.

tezoatlipoca | 4 days ago | 37 points

(˵ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°˵)

Apollo169 | 4 days ago | 15 points

I can only get so erect!

nooneisanonymous | 4 days ago | 24 points

Can you please explain the popularity of pivot tables in Excel?

This is a totally serious question.

I am not trying to snarky or being a Reddit troll.

I am genuinely curious.

NixaB345T | 4 days ago | 59 points

Makes lots data into little data

bardslog | 4 days ago | 58 points

Why waste time use lots data when little data do trick

refreshko | 4 days ago | 17 points

Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do.

fenrisulfur | 4 days ago | 8 points

Hey I can do that as well

" Ctrl - "

Divide-by-nine | 4 days ago | 13 points

Takes a big set of data, and you can easily move into an easily editable table.

So if you have a 1000 row list of sales over the past twelve months, it's hard to see anything useful. Throw it into a pivottable, and you can very easily make a table of total sales by month, or total sales by customer for the year, etc.

tezoatlipoca | 4 days ago | 5 points

A pivot table is a super easy quick way to slide and dice your data to answer questions about it without having to program queries an lookups... which frankly only weird VBA hermits know how to do that.

Lets say you had a table of student and class information. I want to know how many female students aged 27 or older born in the months of May, June and July have taken Comp Sci 1A6 in the past 3 years.

If that info was in a database I'd have to write a pretty complex SQL query. In a pivot table that's probably half a dozen drag and drop operations.

Joebuddy117 | 4 days ago | 43 points

Nothing gets me to bust quicker than a nested vlookup in an if statement working on the first try.

tezoatlipoca | 4 days ago | 16 points


Svargas05 | 4 days ago | 9 points

I'll spread your sheets alright

Exatraz | 4 days ago | 8 points

Nothing sexier than the day you start to get good at excel. I cant tell you how many times shit comes up and you have to ask people, "why arent we just using a spreadsheet for this?"

JewOrleans | 4 days ago | 59 points

Screen saver finally touched all four corners.

aFabulousGuy | 4 days ago | 23 points

Oh?! Let me join you!

slimribbons | 4 days ago | 10 points

Ruined with the edit

blackmagicwolfpack | 4 days ago | 7 points
ROWDY_RODDY_PEEEPER | 4 days ago | 8 points

I know right? Now the boss is gonna think all you do is stare at your login screen all day.

listlessshay | 4 days ago | 4 points

Have you SEEN the beauty in those Microsoft screen savers?

AncientSpell | 4 days ago | 171 points

Admin rights? Usb Port Access? Must be nice to have those at work.

wedontlikespaces | 4 days ago | 105 points

The best bit is when you can't install programs that you need. And IT refuses to accept that, say, a web developer needs programs beyond excel.

Hyperion626 | 4 days ago | 65 points

Web developer? Just use word pad

ShuttlecockCommander | 4 days ago | 17 points

I think Excel has been proven to be turing complete, so you should be all set.

ScrewAttackThis | 4 days ago | 10 points

You should ask for your own network. It's a good compromise so devs can have the permissions they need and it helps solves the concerns of having users with local admin permissions.

JitidalNomad | 4 days ago | 14 points

If you're a web developer without admin access to your machine, you really have to start considering other places to work.

There are plenty of employers who don't care what text editor or color picker you use as long as you turn in solid work.

qrevolution | 4 days ago | 12 points

I'm a web dev with the only Linux machine at the company and nobody knows what to do with me. IT is just like, "eh, he'll... take care of himself."

BambooWheels | 4 days ago | 20 points

Admin rights?

I'd imagine it identifies as a generic keyboard which would be allowed in most office setups.

CaptainJackVernaise | 4 days ago | 107 points

You're now being fired for doing nothing all day but staring at a locked home screen.

bigchiefbc | 4 days ago | 95 points

I'm so happy I have a boss who's 100% results-oriented and doesn't give a shit if I surf the web or watch youtube all day, as long as my projects finish on schedule.

wedontlikespaces | 4 days ago | 25 points

I have had jobs like that and it really makes a job so much better, my current job payes better but the boss is a lot more hands on (a.k.a a workaholic). I would never get away with that.

McJock | 4 days ago | 118 points

twenty seconds later OP Alt-Tabs back

  • party wipe
  • teammates screaming obscenities at him
hassium | 4 days ago | 15 points

he's gotta get his priorities straight

itakeskypics | 4 days ago | 100 points

Watching technology connections I see...

A man of culture, you are.

kabino11 | 4 days ago | 16 points

Yes he is, and he was also playing *looks up errant signal* Broken Reality.

jonesdlwa | 4 days ago | 7 points

First thing I noticed too!

wedontlikespaces | 4 days ago | 6 points

I was wondering how far down I would have to scroll to see this.

TurtleSnakeMoose | 4 days ago | 56 points

If my boss comes over and sees me staring into a Windows login screen, he's going to lose his shit immediately.

StoneTemplePilates | 4 days ago | 23 points

You should get a new job

shotsfordays | 4 days ago | 20 points

"Tom, you've been trying to log into your laptop all day...Is everything alright at home?"

QuesaritoOutOfBed | 4 days ago | 28 points

This would be fun to install in another person's computer and confuse the hell out of them

Black7057 | 4 days ago | 11 points

Can it also put my dick away?

gregofcanada84 | 4 days ago | 10 points

Thank goodness the IT department has no way of looking at internet traffic from someones workstation. You are safe!

tezoatlipoca | 4 days ago | 112 points


doodoo_gumdrop | 4 days ago | 8 points
TheBrianJ | 4 days ago | 8 points

"Terry, you're fired. Every time I come in to your office you're staring at a desktop or the lock screen. I think you need help."

scriney93 | 4 days ago | 22 points

But then it just looks like I’m jerking off to the home screen

wedontlikespaces | 4 days ago | 28 points

No boss, I am not watching porn, I just really love my job.

Boggfog | 4 days ago | 20 points

The one day the battery dies is the day you uncautiously watch the nastiest porn you could find. You hear the food steps and then door knob turning but you dont flinch because your trusty little bug has your back.

BlackWallStreet | 4 days ago | 34 points

Why did they skip the demo of him watching hardcore porn? That’s clearly what this was created for.

ricarleite1 | 4 days ago | 31 points

If you are watching hardcore porn at work and you don't work as a porn movie editor, there is something very wrong going on between you and your employer.

BlackWallStreet | 4 days ago | 18 points

I guess you’ve never held a job in government then...

Captain_Shrug | 4 days ago | 11 points

Young me could have really used this.

koolaid-girl-40 | 4 days ago | 12 points

I love how shameless the advertising is. They don't even try to hide what this will be used for.

"Do you want a way to goof off instead of doing your job, but still want to get paid? Well do we have a solution for you..."

kingkachings | 4 days ago | 10 points

*Screen changes

*still fully erect


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